!!!! MIXED EMOTION !!!!!

THESE PASS COUPLE OF DAYS I HAVE BEEN FEELING REALLY DOWN.

I WOKE UP THANKSGIVING DAY WITH A COLD BUT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH SO MANY MIXING EMOTION TOO. MY HUSBAND HAS DECIDED TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS HERE WITH HIS KIDS AND ME. HE STARTED DECORATING THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND.  I FEEL LIKE HE IS TRYING TO GIVE THE KIDS 1 LAST HAPPY CHRISTMAS.  BUT I CAN'T HELP TO FEEL SAD THAT THIS WILL BE OUR LAST ONE TOGETHER. AND ANGER AND HURT AND UPSET. JUST TO MUCH, BUT THEN I THINK OF MY KIDS AND THAT THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME. WE WILL ALL BE TOGETHER.

I WONDER IF I COULD MAKE IT A HAPPY ONE?

THEN, THERE IS MY FEELS FOR MY HUSBAND. I DIDN'T WANT THIS DIVORCE, MY HUSBAND DOES. I STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM. SO WITH HIM HERE. I HAVE MANY MIXING EMOTHIONS.  THIS IS TO MUCH FOR ME.

I START TO THINK THAT MAYBE HE WILL CHANGE HIS MIND. THAT MAKING THIS CHRISTMAS. A HAPPY ONE, HE WOULD SEE WHAT HE WOULD LOSE. BUT IT'S NOT THE KIDS THAT HE WANTS TO LEAVE.  IT'S ME. IT'S ME THAT HE DOES NOT WANT. AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT EVEN THROUGH I FEEL THE WAY I DO. MY HEART STILL BREAKS.

I JUST HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THAT. HE IS HERE FOR THE KIDS. BUT, THE BIG "BUT" FOR ME, HOW DO I CONTROL MY FEELINGS? HOW CAN I STOP WISHING?

MY DAUGHTER!!

   SWEET 16!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET 16!!!   YES, MY OLDEST IS 16 TODAY. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.  HOW FAST SHE HAS GROWN. I STILL REMEMBER HER AS A BABY.  SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL BABY. AND SHE HAS DONE ALOT OF THINGS.  AND HAS PUT ME THOUGH ALOT. I DO HAVE A SECTION OF GRAYS BECAUSE OF HER.  BUT I HAVE ENJOY PARENTING HER. I LOVE MY SWEET 16!!!!!

MY MARRIAGE

I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY MARRIAGE.

EVEN IF MY HUSBAND DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR AND HE DECIDES NOT TO GET A DIVORCE. WE HAVE MAJOR PROBLEMS.

I THINK HE IS NOT LISTENING TO ME AND HE IS SET IN HIS WAYS.  I KNOW THAT COUPLES ARGUE BUT LIKE HOW I HAD MENTION (DR. PHIL), IT'S HOW YOU WORK THINGS OUT(FOR EACH COUPLE IT MAY BE DIFFERENT) THAT MAKES IT WORK. THAT IS WHAT I SEE WITH MY HUSBAND. HE DOES NOT WANT TO FIND, WHAT MAKE IT WORK FOR US.  AND THAT'S WHY I THINK WE WILL STILL GET THE DIVORCE.

MY HEART IS STILL BREAKING BECAUSE I AM STILL HOLDING ON TO HIM.  HE IS STILL HELPING ME WITH THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE. SINCE, I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM THE SURGERY. BUT THESE DAYS HAVE BEEN HARD.  BEFORE THE SURGERY IT WAS STATED THE HE WOULD MOVE OUT ONCE I WAS BACK ON MY FEET.  NO TIME LINE GIVEN . BUT NOW THAT I'M RECOVERING, IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS DRAGGING HIS FEET ON WHAT HE IS GOING TO DO. TIME WILL ONLY TELL. 

MY GIRL!!!

  I MADE THIS TODAY.  SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS ATTITUDE. AND THAT SHE IS ALL THAT!!!!

THIS IS WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR!!!

I ALSO READ THIS FROM "THE COURAGE TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER" BY SHEILA ELLISON.

SHE QUOTES ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND; "YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN ANYTHING THAT WE DISAGREE ABOUT," REACHING TOWARD ME WITH HEALING, LOVE, AND PERSPECTIVE ON WHATEVER ISSUE I CAN'T SEEM TO LET GO OF.

NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL TRUE LOVE.  MY OPINION!!

I HAVE ALSO READ; "RELATIONSHIP RESCUE BY DR. PHIL.  HE MENTION HOW PARTNER'S COULD DISAGREE IN SO MANY WAYS BUT TO REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.  AND THEIR DIFFERENCES ARE JUST THAT.  DIFFERENCES!!! 

IT'S HOW YOU WORK WITH EACH OTHER THAT MAKES YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  THIS IS WHAT I HAVE LEARNED BY READING DR. PHIL'S BOOK. IS SAD TO ME BECAUSE IT'S TO LATE FOR MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND.  OR SO HE SAYS.  I HAVE LEARNED TO ACCEPT THAT. I KEEP THINKING TO MYSELF, IT'S HIS LOST.  NOT THAT I'M PERFECT BUT I TRUELY DO LOVE HIM AND WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT.  BUT HE DOESN'T, SO WHAT CAN I DO.  ((NOTHING))!!!!!!

I ALSO HEARD THIS TODAY. I CAN'T REMEMBER THE EXACT WORDS BUT IT WAS LIKE;  FALLING IN LOVE THE FIRST TIME IS NICE, BUT TO ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AGAIN THE SECOND TIME IS BETTER.   IT WAS ON GOOD MORNING AMERICA, ABOUT A WIFE HAVE AN AFFAIR.  AND THEY WERE GOING TO RENEW THEIR VOWS.  SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

MY HUSBAND

TODAY I WAS TALKING TO MY FRIEND.  WE BOTH AGREE. THAT MY HUSBAND HAS HAD AN AFFAIR, BECAUSE OF HOW HE IS ACTING. 

GUILTY........

EVERYTHING HE DOES AND SAYS MAKES HIM LOOK SO GUILT.

I WOULD NEVER IMAGE MY LIFE LIKE THIS. OR THAT MY HUSBAND WOULD DO THAT (AN AFFAIR) BUT HE IS HUMAN LIKE I AM.  BUT HIS CHARACTER IS SURPRISING.  I REALLY THOUGHT OF HIM TO BE SO HONEST, NOBLE, STRONG INTEGRITY AND ETHICAL STABLE. I KNOW HE IS ONLY HUMAN, BUT IF YOU KNEW HOW HE WAS RAISED AND HOW HE IS. YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND.

HOW HE IS HANDLING THIS.  THAT IS WHAT IS SURPRISING.  IF HE HAS HAD AN AFFAIR, WHY DOES HE NOT JUST CONFESS. MEN, RIGHT!!!!

ABOUT MY KIDS!!

I HAVE BEEN READING; THE COURAGE TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER BY SHEILA ELLISON.

A FRIEND OF MINE HAVE TOLD BE ABOUT THIS BOOK WHEN I HAD MENTION ABOUT MY SITUATION.  IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN EYE OPENER AND A BLESSING TO READ. AND IT HAS PERPARED ME FOR COMING THINGS AND MORE TO COME.

TODAY I READ ABOUT KIDS;

"WHEN ONE OF MY KIDS BEGAN AN ARGUMENT WITH ME, (HER BOYFRIEND)HE WOULD COME UP BEHIND ME, HOLD ME AGAINST HIM, AND WHISPER, "LET IT GO." NOT THAT HE ENCOURAGED KIDS TO BE DISRESPECTFUL. HE JUST DIDN'T FIND IT NECESSARY TO ENGAGE IN NEGATIVE ENERGY WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING.  LATER, WHEN THE SITUATION HAD COOLED DOWN, WAS THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR POINT."

I HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS SO MUCH.  MY OLDEST AND I HAVE SO MANY DISAGREEMENTS. AND I HANDLE THEM WRONG. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO DO WITH THEM.  AND MY MIDDLE CHILD IS STARTING TO GET AN ATTITUDE TO ME AND MY RULE.  AND I NEED TO HANDLE THEM NOW.

TEENAGERS = I KEEP TRYING TO REMEMBER THAT I WAS ONCE THERE.  AND HOW MY TEENAGE LIFE WAS.  AND HOW WE VIEW IT. WHAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT OUR PARENTS.  BUT HOW I AM NOW A PARENT.

TIME WILL ONLY TELL AND LIFE GOES ON!!

   

 MY TAGS FROM KIMMY & KRISSY.  THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

WELL, IT'S NOW BEEN OVER A WEEK SINCE MY SURGERY. AND I AM RECOVERY WELL.  MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO START ANY PLANNING (MAKE MY LIST), TILL I FEEL BETTER THAN I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

THING WITH MY HUSBAND IS STRANGE.  HE WAS THERE FOR ME AND HIS KIDS. YESTERDAY I TOLD HIM, "THANK YOU AND THAT I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING."  I HAD CALLED MY MOTHER FOR HELP THIS TIME. I REALLY DON'T TALK TO MY MOTHER OR DEPEND ON HER.  SHE WAS THERE FOR THE SURGERY, BUT I NEED HER YESTERDAY AND SHE WASN'T ABLE TO HELP OR ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBER. I KNOW THAT THEY HAVE LIFES OF THEIR OWN, BUT I WISH SHE WOULD OF.  NOW MY HUSBAND, HE HAS BEEN FRUSTRATED, SO FRUSTRATED.......  HE DOES SEE HOW MUCH I DO NOW AND HOW MAYBE THINGS WITH THE KIDS. WE COULD DO DIFFERENT. LIKE LET THEM TAKE ON MORE.  WAKING UP IN THE MORNING, FILLING THE DISHWASHER, ETC..  THERE TEENAGERS, THEY CAN TAKE ON MORE.  WE JUST HAVE TO INFORCE IT.

TIME WILL TELL!!!

SUNDAY LIST ON MONDAY!

I KNOW IS MONDAY. BUT THIS WEEK WILL NOT BE MUCH.

WITH MY SURGERY TOMORROW, CAN'T DO MUCH THIS WEEK.

ALL I HAVE PLAN FOR THIS WEEK IS TO RECOVER AFTER THE SURGERY. BUT TODAY I DO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS.

1. SHOW MY SON'S FATHER, WHERE HE GOES TO DAYCARE. SAD HUH, HE ONLY GETS INVOLVED WHEN HE IS NEEDED.

2. GO TO PER-OP APPT. AND REGISTER AT THE HOSPITAL, ETC.....

3. GO GET THAT 2ND TIRE.

4. GET SON'S HAIRCUT.

5. GET THE GROCERIES.