!!!! MIXED EMOTION !!!!!

THESE PASS COUPLE OF DAYS I HAVE BEEN FEELING REALLY DOWN.

I WOKE UP THANKSGIVING DAY WITH A COLD BUT I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH SO MANY MIXING EMOTION TOO. MY HUSBAND HAS DECIDED TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS HERE WITH HIS KIDS AND ME. HE STARTED DECORATING THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND.  I FEEL LIKE HE IS TRYING TO GIVE THE KIDS 1 LAST HAPPY CHRISTMAS.  BUT I CAN'T HELP TO FEEL SAD THAT THIS WILL BE OUR LAST ONE TOGETHER. AND ANGER AND HURT AND UPSET. JUST TO MUCH, BUT THEN I THINK OF MY KIDS AND THAT THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME. WE WILL ALL BE TOGETHER.

I WONDER IF I COULD MAKE IT A HAPPY ONE?

THEN, THERE IS MY FEELS FOR MY HUSBAND. I DIDN'T WANT THIS DIVORCE, MY HUSBAND DOES. I STILL LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM. SO WITH HIM HERE. I HAVE MANY MIXING EMOTHIONS.  THIS IS TO MUCH FOR ME.

I START TO THINK THAT MAYBE HE WILL CHANGE HIS MIND. THAT MAKING THIS CHRISTMAS. A HAPPY ONE, HE WOULD SEE WHAT HE WOULD LOSE. BUT IT'S NOT THE KIDS THAT HE WANTS TO LEAVE.  IT'S ME. IT'S ME THAT HE DOES NOT WANT. AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT EVEN THROUGH I FEEL THE WAY I DO. MY HEART STILL BREAKS.

I JUST HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THAT. HE IS HERE FOR THE KIDS. BUT, THE BIG "BUT" FOR ME, HOW DO I CONTROL MY FEELINGS? HOW CAN I STOP WISHING?