I MADE A DECISION YESTERDAY.............

I SAT DOWN AND LOOKED AT MY BILLS.
ABOUT A WEEK AGO, MY HUSBAND GAVE ME LESS MONEY THEN HE HAD BEEN GIVING ME.
THE DIVORCE IS NOT FINAL. AND I DON'T HAVE ANY TEMP ORDERS. SO, HE CHOSES WHAT TO GIVE ME. WHICH THESE PASS COUPLE OF MONTHS, HE WAS GIVING ME HALF OF HIS TAKE HOME PAY. WAS VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT....
BUT..... NOW THAT I HAVE THE COUNTER SUE ON HIM. HE LESSEN THE MONEY.......
SO, LAST NIGHT I SAT DOWN WITH MY BILLS AND MADE SOME HARD DECISION.......

I AM GOING TO TURN OFF MY CABLE AND INTERNET PROVIDER, PLUS THE HOMELAND PHONE LINE..........
I ALSO SAT DOWN WITH MY BABY GIRL AND TOLD HER OF THE DECISION......
I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH SHE IS ON THE NET.......
YOU SEE - SHE LOVES TO WRITE. SHE IS GOING INTO JOURNALISM FOR HIGH SCHOOL. WHICH IS THIS YEAR. SHE IS GOING TO BE A FRESHMAN ON AUGUST THE 15TH..........


SHE WAS UPSET......
I TRY TO COME UP WITH SOME OTHER ALTERNATIVES. I KNOW THAT THE LIBRARY HAS COMPUTERS. BUT SHE MENTIONS HOW SHE LOVES HER PRIVACY. I TOLD HER I UNDERSTAND VERY WELL.......
FOR ME, I WILL HAVE TO DO MY ONLINE AT WORK. IN BETWEEN CALLS - IF ABLE TOO. SO I WILL KEPT INTOUCH, WHEN I CAN......
BUT I APOLOGIZED. I CAN ONLY DO WHAT I CAN.......

CHANGES.........
THE THINGS WE DO........  CAN DO........

THE TEMP ORDERS, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET INTO THAT........ AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO ONLINE......
BUT I HAVE TO DO WHAT I CAN......
MY ONLINE JOB WILL BE GONE, BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET AND THE PHONE. BUT IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT TO KEPT UP WITH. TRYING TO BALANCE OUT EVERYTHING.......
WELL, I TRYED AND NOW I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS........

CHANGES..........
AND I KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO BE MORE......

WELL, TILL NEXT TIME........
 

WELL, THE PARTY IS OVER............

IT WENT WELL.......
MY LITTLE MAN HAD A WONDERFUL TIME....
AS YOU CAN TELL ON THE PICTURES......
MY OLDEST WAS WORKING.
SHE MISSED THE PARTY. SAD........
I WAS THINKING ABOUT HER.
I HAD 3 KIDS FROM THE DAYCARE......
MY FRIENDS WERE THERE. I WAS SO GLAD....
I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD OF BEEN WITHOUT THEM THERE........

THE POOL WAS NICE, BUT I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SWIM. I WAS CHECKING ON EVERYTHING ELSE, AND TAKING PICTURES.....
I LOVE THE PICTURE OF MY LITTLE MAN ON THE STEP OF THE SLIDE.......  TOO CUTE....
ALSO, THANK GOD, THE LIFEGUARDS ARE THERE.  THE LITTLE BATGIRL DECIDED TO SLIDE ON THE BIG SLIDE WITHOUT HER PARENTS THERE. AND WELL, THE LIFEGUARD HAD TO RESCUE. THANK GOD.......
BUT BESIDES THAT, EVERYTHING WENT WELL.........

I HAVE TO RUN.....
TILL NEXT TIME......
 

YESTERDAY, WAS A BAD DAY..............

IT STARTED OFF WITH..............

SEEING MY HUSBAND'S MISTRESS AND MIND YOU THAT I KNOW WHAT SHE DRIVES. I SEE HER EVERYWHERE.

WELL, I SAW HER AT HER KIDS DAYCARE. SHE WAS GETTING OFF THE CAR. I AM STARING AT HER BECAUSE I NOTICES THAT SHE HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT AS MY OLDEST (THE ONE THAT LIVES WITH HER DAD). SHE IS LOOKING AT ME WITH THIS SMIRK ON HER FACE. AND I AM SO SHOCKED........

THE QUESTIONS IS: DID SHE CUT HER HAIR LIKE MY OLDEST OR DID MY OLDEST CUT HER HAIR LIKE HER?????

WELL, ABOUT 10 - 15 MINUTES LATER.  GUESS WHO CALLS ME??????

MY HUSBAND........

HIM: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HIM: WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING HER, SEE HER AT HER DAYCARE?

ME: WHAT?  IS SHE CRAZY?

HIM: NO!!!

ME: THEN SHE HAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?

THEN I HUNG UP........

HE TRYED TO CALL AGAIN, AND HUNG UP ON HIM. HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SAY A WORD............

HE HAS SOME NERVE. THIS IS MY TOWN. SHE MOVED INTO TO IT. AND SHE HAS BEEN PASSING BY MY HOUSE SO MANY TIMES BECAUSE HER KIDS DAYCARE IS DOWN THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? SHE LIVES ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF MY HOUSE AND HER KIDS DAYCARE IS ON THE LEFT SIDE OF MY HOUSE........  TOO MUCH.  SOOOOO  SHE HAS BEEN DRIVING BY MY HOUSE SINCE THE BEGINNING. AND MIND YOU I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT SHE DRIVES. SO, I AM JUST AWARE NOW OF THIS....... GRRRRRR.........

I ALSO FOUND OUT IN 2 MONTHS THE FINALLY DIVORCE HEARING IS SET............
BEING WITH MY COUNTER SUE, EVERYTHING WAS PUSHED BACK.........

ALSO, MY TEST DID NOT GO WELL.........
OH WELL, I HAVE TO DO WHAT I CAN DO. I HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE. BUT I WILL ACCOMPLISH MY GOAL. AND ALSO, I HAVE CHANGED MY MAJOR.
I AM NOW STUDYING TO BE A PARALEGAL...........
I BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR...........

TODAY, IS MY SON'S BIRTHDAY.........  3 YEARS OLD......
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HAS BEEN 3 YEARS..........
WE ARE HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY TONIGHT AT THE COMMUNITY SWIMMING POOL.........
HE IS SO GOING TO LOVE IT......
AND I HAD 2 RSVP FROM THE KIDS FROM THE DAYCARE. SO WILL SEE HOW THE TURN OUT GOES.......

WELL, I HAVE TO GET READY FOR WORK........

TILL NEXT TIME......

 

LAST NIGHT, I FOUND OUT THAT MY OLDEST DAUGHTER...........

SHE IS LIVING WITH MY HUSBAND AND IS VERY UPSET WITH ME.

I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WENT TO THIS COMPANY WATER PARK THING.........
AND WHO DID SHE GO WITH???????

BECAUSE DAD WAS AT HOME WITH THE BABY BOY.

SHE WENT WITH THE OTHER WOMAN............
I AM JUST............
HURT..........

ALSO, THE PLANS TO GO TO THE WATER PARK FELL.  MY BABY GIRL WAS NOT FEELING GOOD AND I KNOW THAT ALL THIS IS GETTING TO HER. PLUS ON MONDAY, TODAY, SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE BAND TRYOUTS.......  AND SHE WAS STRESSING ABOUT THAT.  SO WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED. IT WAS JUST TO MUCH FOR HER.  I KNOW......  THIS JUST TO MUCH FOR ME.  I COULD JUST IMAGE HER.........   SHE IS JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS.......

SO, SHE STAYED BEHIND AND ALSO DAD STAYED BEHIND. AND THE LITTLE MAN, WELL OF COURSE HE DIDN'T GO.......

BUT MY OLDEST, SHE HAS MEET THE OTHER. AND NOW, SHE IS SPENDING TIME WITH HER..........

I CAN'T WRITE MORE........

I HOPE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.......

TILL THEN........

  BRIN 

I HAVE BEEN FEELING SO SO.........

IN MY LAST, LAST ENTRY.......
I WAS GETTING INTO THE CONVERSATION THAT I HAD WITH MY HUSBAND.
HE HAD TOOK OUR BABY GIRL SHOPPING AND WHEN HE WAS DROPPING HER OFF. HE ASKED IF HE COULD TALK TO ME........
SO WE TALKED......
HE TOLD ME THAT HE TALK TO HER ABOUT THE OTHER GIRL, BECAUSE I HAD MENTION TO HIM AWHILE BACK.......
THAT SHE TOLD ONE OF HER FRIENDS THAT HER DAD HAD AN AFFAIR. SO HE WANTED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT.
NOW, THEY HAD PLANS FOR SATURDAY TO GO TO THIS WATER PARK THAT HIS COMPANY WAS PUTTING TOGETHER.
HE TOLD HER THAT SHE WOULD BE THERE AND WANTED TO MEET THEM (OUR BABY GIRL AND BABY BOY). SO HE WAS TELLING HER ABOUT HER AND HER KIDS. AND SO ON, AND SO ON........
WELL, SHE TOLD HIM THAT HE SHOULD LET ME KNOW........
BOY, I TOLD HIM. YOUR OWN DAUGHTER IS TELLING YOU HOW TO HANDLE THINGS. AND HOW THEY SHOULD OF BEEN HANDLE. HE SHOULD HAD TOLD ME ABOUT THIS EVEN BEFORE THE KIDS KNEW........
BUT OF COURSE HE NEVER THINKS ABOUT MY FEELINGS..........
HE TURNED IT AROUND, AND SAY.....
BRENDA, YOU SOON WILL BE DATING SOMEONE TOO........
I TOLD HIM........
THE WAY I THINK ABOUT THAT IS......
FIRST, IS THE GUY GOING TO BE A GOOD STEP-FATHER FOR MY KIDS......
THAT IS WHAT I THINK NOW......
NOT LIKE YOU. WHO SNAP(AND I SNAPPED MY FINGERS) JUMP RIGHT IN AND DID THE THINGS YOU DID.........
LIKE YOU HAVE DONE, YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS.......

AND I TOLD HIM.....
THIS IS MY WISHES.... WHICH I KNOW THAT ONCE THE DIVORCE IS OVER AND YOU ARE WITH HER......  I WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER BEING AROUND MY KIDS. BUT AT THIS TIME, I DON'T WANT HER AROUND MY KIDS.  BUT I DON'T THINK YOU WILL KEEP HER AWAY......
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SHOW THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELING. SO, IT GOES.....
SO IN THE HOUSE I WENT AND I CLOSE THE DOOR AND THAT WAS IT......


ALSO, ON THURSDAY. HE FOUND OUT ABOUT ME SUING HIM.........
HE CALLED ME AND CALLED ME. HE EMAILED ME AND EMAILED ME AND EMAILED ME AND EMAILED ME AND EMAILED ME......
BUT I DID NOT ANSWER...... I WILL NOT SAY MORE ABOUT THIS TILL THE TIME IS RIGHT.......


I WILL BE RETESTING FOR MY WRITING. SO SAY A PRAYER FOR ME...........
I NEED TO GET A LEVEL 3.........

I AM LIVING DAY BY DAY.  JUST DEALING WITH EVERYTHING DAY BY DAY.......
I AM READING MY BOOK AGAIN,
"THE COURAGE TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER" BY SHEILA ELLISON......
ANY MOTHER WHO IS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE SHOULD READ THIS BOOK.
SHE TALKS ABOUT WHEN SHE JOINED A SINGLE MOTHERS GROUP, SOMEONE TELL HER THAT IT WOULD BE 2 YEARS BEFORE SHE FELT A SHIFT TOWARD WHOLENESS..... AND SHE SAYS, THAT WOMEN WAS RIGHT.
SO I WILL LIVE ON........  AND I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL ON TOP OF ALL THIS......
OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE STRENGTH..........

I LOVE THIS.......
"COURAGE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A GRAND OR HEROIC FEAT. IT CAN BE A SIMPLE AS SAYING NO. TAKING ON THE PROCESS OF DIVORCE, GETTING UP EACH DAY AND LIVING LIFE IN WHATEVER STATE OF MIND YOU FIND YOURSELF, TAKES COURAGE. LIFE CAN BECOME A SCARY PLACE VERY FAST WHEN ALL THAT YOU'VE HOPED FOR HAS CHANGED. EVERY WOMAN READING THIS BOOK GOT OUT OF BED THIS MORNING AND HAS CHOSEN TO LIVE HER LIFE TODAY - THAT IS COURAGE."

EVERY DAY........ COURAGE..........

WELL, TILL NEXT TIME......
  

BUT THE LYRICS TO......

THAT WAS YESTERDAY. BY: FOREIGNER.
LOVE THAT CD........


I thought i knew you well
But all this time i could never tell
I let you get away
Haunts me every night and every day

You were the only one
The only friend that i counted on
How could i watch you walk away
I'd give anything to have you here today

But now i stand alone with my pride
And dream that you're still by my side

But that was yesterday
I had the world in my hands
But it's not the end of my world
Just a slight change of plans

That was yesterday
But today life goes on
No more hiding in yesterday
'cause yesterday's gone

Love, my love i gave it all
Thought i saw the light
When i heard you call
Life that we both could share
Has deserted me
Left me in despair

But now i stand alone with my pride
Fighting back the tears i never let myself cry

But that was yesterday
Love was torn from my hands
But it's not the end of my world
Just a little hard to understand

That wasyesterday
But today life goes on
You won't find me in yesterday's world
Now yesterday's gone

Goodbye yesterday
Now it's over and done
Still i hope somewhere deep in your heart
Yesterday will live on

FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK CHERRY2SWEET........
MY MUSIC IS ON AN INTERRUPTED LOOP.
THANK YOU, SO MUCH........

AND I WOULD LIKE EVERYONE FOR ALL THE SUPPORT......

I WILL BE BACK TONIGHT TO WRITE AN ENTRY......

TILL THEN.......
 

O. K., HEAR IT GOES............

MY HUSBAND MOVED OUT OF THIS HOUSE BACK IN FEBRUARY AND AFTER MOVING OUT.  WITHIN 3 WEEKS, WE WERE TRYING TO WORK THING OUT. AFTER 1 MONTH, I KNEW THINGS WERE NOT GO WELL. I KNEW HE HAD DEEP FEELINGS FOR THE OTHER, AND WE WERE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE. SO, I ASKED HIM TO LEAVE. INSTEAD OF SAYING "NO, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE. I WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH YOU. I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS WORK."  HE LEFT...........

AFTER HE LEFT WITHIN 2 WEEKS AGAIN. WE START TO WORK THINGS OUT AGAIN. OR SO I THOUGHT........
ALMOST INTO 2 WEEKS OF THIS, HE SERVED ME DIVORCE PAPERS...........
I WAS SO SHOCKED, I THOUGHT WE WERE WORKING THINGS OUT.........

WELL, THIS IS WHY.........
HIS MISTRESS WORKS WITH HIM. YES, A WORK AFFAIR. IT HAPPENS, HUH........
I FOUND OUT THAT BACK IN FEBRUARY. WHEN HE MOVED OUT. SHE HAD MOVED OUT TOO.....
SHE MOVED INTO THE SAME APARTMENT COMPLEX AS MY HUSBAND. SOME NEIGHBORS, HUH........
THOUGH THE TIME WE WERE WORKING THINGS OUT HE NEVER MENTION THAT SHE WAS LIVING THERE, A COUPLE OF YARDS FROM HIM.  HE DID TELL ME THAT HE HELPED HER MOVE IN.  BUT NEVER ONCE DID HE MENTION ABOUT THERE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS........
AND MIND THEY LIVE DOWN THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE. FAR DOWN BUT EVERYTIME I LOOK DOWN THAT ROAD AND SEE THE APARTMENT COMPLEX. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM..........
HOW CRUEL..........

WELL, THE OTHER DAY, I WATCHED "WAITING TO EXHALE" WITH ANGELA BASSETT.
BOY, THAT IS ONE STRONG MOVIE FOR ME, RIGHT NOW.........
BUT I FEEL LIKE THAT........
I AM WAITING TO EXHALE........
THINGS JUST KEEP COMING AND COMING....
I JUST CAN'T WAIT TILL.......

YESTERDAY, MY HUSBAND SAW OUR BABY GIRL. AND HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME. WHEN HE DROPPED HER OFF.
WELL, I LET HIM HAVE IT AGAIN.......

I WILL HAVE TO GET INTO THAT AT OTHER TIME......  I HAVE TO GO.....

TILL NEXT TIME......
 

I HAVEN'T BEEN ONLINE MUCH..........

AND I AM BEHIND ON MY JOURNAL READING......

I GUESS I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ELSE........  AND MY LIFE IS ON HOLD.........  IT SEEMS LIKE I AM LETTING TIME FLY BY.  AND I SEE IT BUT I CAN'T REALLY REACT TO IT........  I FEEL NUMB........

I KNOW I WILL, AND IT WILL GET BETTER.........

BUT.........

FOR NOW, TIME FLYS............

TILL NEXT TIME.........BRIN.

I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON, BUT I CAN'T STILL TALK ABOUT WHAT IS HAPPENING.........

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT.........

LAST NIGHT, I WENT OUT. I WAS GIVEN BASEBALL TICKET. SO, I CALL MY FRIEND, AND MY SON'S BUDDY TO JOIN US.  IT WAS NICE.  GREAT SEATS........
I POSTED SOME PICTURES. AND THE BOYS HAD FUN.........

I DID GO FOR A BIKE RIDE ON SUNDAY MORNING. COULDN'T SLEEP, SO OFF I WENT AND I TOOK MY CAMERA........
I TOOK MY BEST PICTURES AT THE BIRDLAND..........
CAUGHT THEM EATTING BREAKFAST.......

IT HELPED ME. TOO TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THINGS.......  AND SEE THE BEAUTY OF THIS WORLD.........  I GET TRANQUILLITY VISITING THAT PLACE........
BUT ONCE I WAS HOME, HOW I KNEW THINGS WERE STILL THE SAME.....
I KNOW EVENTUALLY THINGS WILL GET BETTER.......

I READ THIS QUOTE THE OTHER DAY AND BOY IS IT NOT TRUE........
"You've learned from hard experience that fantasyland is for Mickey Mouse."

WELL, TILL NEXT TIME........
 

I FEEL LIKE I BEEN HIT BY A TRAIN..........

I AM NOT ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT ON MY JOURNAL.  BUT ONE DAY I WILL........
I HOPE BY THAT TIME, I WOULD HAVE ADJUSTED......

I CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS CAN I TAKE..........
LAST NIGHT, ALL I COULD DO WAS SCREAM.......
I WAS GLAD THE KIDS WERE NOT HERE TO SEE ME GO THROUGH THIS........
AND MY FRIEND, THELMA, YOU ARE SUCH AN ANGEL.
I THINK ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MY ANGELS.........
WITH OUT THEM, I WOULD HAVE FALLEN.......
THE SUPPORT I GET HERE IS UNBELIEVEABLE........
AND LAST NIGHT, WAS THE FINALLY DRAW........

 BRIN
NEW SONG:

CROSSFADE
COLORS

Can you feel it crush you
Does it seem to bring the worst in you out
There's no running away from
These things that hold you down
Do they complicate you
Because they make you feel like this
Of all the colors that you've shine
This is surely not your best

But you should know these
Colors that you're shining are
Surely not the best
Colors that you've shined
Surely not the best
Colors that you've shined

I know you feel alone, yeah
And no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from
The ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you
Don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined
Are surely not your style

But you should know these
Colors that you're shining are
Surely not the best
Colors that you've shined
Surely not the best
Colors that you've shined

I know you're feeling like you're lost
But you should know these
Colors that you're shining are
I know you're feeling like you're lost
You feel you've drifted way too far

But you should know these
Colors you're shinig are
Surely not the best
Colors that you've shined
Surely not the best
Colors that you've shined

Surely not the best
(I know you're feeling like you're lost)
Colors that you shine
(But you should know these colors are)
Surely not the best
(I know you're feeling like you're lost,
You feel you've drifted way too far)
Did you know these
Colors that you're shining are

 HE WAS MY WHOLE WORLD..........

HOW THINGS ARE SO BAD NOW.....
HE HAS MADE EVERY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK FOR WHAT HE IS DOING.  AND STILL IS........

HE CAME TO PICK UP THE KIDS TODAY. AND WE GOT INTO IT......

THIS IS WHY.....
HE SOLD SOME STOCKS. AND DIDN'T TELL ME. JUST BY LUCK I HEAR ABOUT IT. BUT THIS IS HOW HE IS HANDLING THINGS.....
HE WANTED THE KIDS SS# AND HAD EMAILED ME ABOUT IT.  I DIDN'T RESPOND TO THE EMAIL, TILL I TALKED TO MY LAWYER.  WELL,SHE WAS GOING TO BE AT THE COURTHOUSE ALL DAY AND WAS HARD TO REACH.  BUT I DID NOT GIVE THEM TO HIM.  WHEN I ASK WHY HE NEEDED THEM. HE SAID, THAT HIS LAWYER NEEDED THEM.
I WILL WAIT TILL I HEAR FROM HER, BEFORE I DO. BUT HER ASST. DID SAY THAT HIS LAWYER NEEDED TO CONTACT MY LAWYER. WELL, MY HUSBAND SAID THAT HE DID TRY BUT SHE WAS NOT AVAILBLE.  I DIDN'T TELL HIM THAT SHE WAS AT THE COURTHOUSE ALL DAY.  JUST TRYED TO DROP IT.......
I EVEN TOLD HIM NOT TO GET INTO IT AROUND THE KIDS, TO EMAIL ME.  BUT SAYS, IF YOU ANSWER YOU EMAILS.......
I DIDN'T ANSWER BUT ONE EMAIL BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO MY LAWYER.......
THE WAY HE HAS BEEN HANDLING THINGS, MADE ME WONDER WHAT HE IS UP TO.......
HE DID ALSO THREATEN ME THAT HE COULD MAKE THINGS WORST FOR ME........
I KNOW THAT IT'S A THREAT BUT IT MAKES ME WONDER........

BUT ALL IN ALL, I HATE HOW THINGS ARE......

I KNOW THINGS WILL GET BETTER....
AND I KNOW THAT THESE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS WILL BE TOUGH........
SO I AM TRYING NOT TO STRESS OUT.....

TILL NEXT TIME....... BRIN

WELL....

IT HAPPENED. HE GOT TO ME........
I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT THINGS ALONE......
I HAD CAME BACK FROM THE FIREWORKS. WHICH, WAS VERY NICE, BUT HARD BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS HIM.  WHERE WOULD I BE NEXT YEAR. AND ON AND ON........

SO I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM.....
KNOWING HE DIDN'T SEE HIS SON.  SO, I EMAILED HIM SOME PICTURES OF OUR SON.

WELL, THAT WHEN HE EMAILED ME BACK.  TO THANK ME FOR THE PICTURES BUT HE MENTIONS ABOUT OUR OLDEST.......

SHE HAS NOT CONTACT ME OR WANTS TO SEE ME......
LAST TIME I SAW HER WAS ON FATHER'S DAY AND SHE ONLY SAID 2 WORDS TO ME.....
WELL, HE WAS TRYING TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS, ONCE AGAIN.  TO TELL ME HOW I SHOULD HANDLE IT. AND THAT I WAS THE ADULT. HE JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, AND HE THINKS I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.  I HAD JUSTED EMAILED HER TOO.......

SO, WE HAD IT OUT.......
AT THE END, I TOLD HIM THAT HE DIDN'T LIKE ME TELL HIM WHAT TO DO, SO I DON'T LIKE HIM TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO.........

I SAW MY OLDEST ALSO TODAY.  AND SHE TREATED ME WITH SO MUCH ATTITUDE. SHE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ME.........
THIS HURTS SO MUCH.....
I AM DEALING WITH SO MUCH......
ONE DAY AT A TIME......

WELL, I AM OFF TO BED.  I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AT 4:30. SO I AM SLEEPY.....
HOPE YOU ENJOY THE PICTURES......
OH, CHECK OUT THE SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS CAR.......

TILL NEXT TIME...... 

WELL, TODAY IS THE DAY........

LAST ANNIVERSARY...
AND I WOKE UP WITH A STOMACH ACHE.....

I WILL TRY NOT TO CRY, BUT I WOKE UP THINKING ABOUT THE DAY HE TOLD ME OF THE AFFAIR......
HOW HE WAS CRYING AND TELL ME HE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.......
HOW I BELIEVED HIM.......
HE BROKE HIS PROMISE......
I NEED TO MOVE ON, I WILL NOT SPEND MY DAY LIKE THIS........



IT'S THE 4TH........
THIS DAY ALSO REMEMBERS ME OF MY GRANDFATHER.......
TODAY WILL OF BEEN HIS BIRTHDAY......
I BELIEVE HE WOULD OF BEEN 94 YEARS OLD. HE PASSED AWAY 2 YEARS AGO.....
SO HERE'S TO MY GRANDFATHER......


  

AND THE FLAG.........






EVERYONE.......



TILL NEXT TIME..........
 

A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW........

LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM ABOUT MY HUSBAND......
WE WERE KISSING, AAHH.... I MISS HIS KISSES......  BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE. WE GETTING HOT AND HEAVY.  WHEN HIS CELL PHONE RANG......
HE ANSWERED IT, AND SAID HELLO. THEN SAID HI TO THIS GUY (WON'T SAY HIS NAME). BUT I KNEW DIFFERENT......
HE ACTED STANDOFFISH, AND TRY TO END HIS CALL WITHOUT GIVING MORE CLUES TO THE CONVERSATION.....
BUT THE OTHER PERSON WOULDN'T END THE CONVERSATION, AND KEEP TALKING. HE SAID, THAT HE WAS BUSY. AND HE WOULD CALL BACK. BUT HE MADE A MISTAKE...... HE SAID THE GIRLS NAME..... AND I LOOKED AT HIM, SHOCKED AND HE LOOKED AT ME, SHOCKED......  THEN I WOKE UP.......

    

TODAY, I ALSO READ SOMETHING THAT
AND IT HAS BEEN A VERY HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.......

NOW, MY LAST ENTRY I WROTE HOW MY MARRIAGE HAD PROBLEMS, AND I THOUGHT WE WERE WORKING AT IT.......
WELL, I READ A ARTICLE IN "O" MAGAZINE, JUNE ISSUE......

"BASICALLY, MEN FEEL THEY HAVE TO DO THREE THINGS: PRODUCE, PROTECT, AND PROVIDE. THEY HAVE TO HELP MAKE BABIES, PROTECT THE MOTHERS AND THOSE BABIES, AND PROVIDE FOR THEM."
"THE WORST THING ANY WOMAN CAN DO IS DIMINISH A MAN'S SENSE OF MASCULINITY." "LET'S TAKE THE IDEA OF PROVIDING: IMAGINE A WOMAN CRITICIZING HER HUSBAND OR HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EARN ENOUGH, OR A WOMAN ACCUSING THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN OF NOT PROTECTING THEM. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. I DON'T THINK WOMEN SEE THESE AS FRONTAL ASSAULTS ON THEIR MAN'S MASCULINE IDENTITY, BUT MEN DO."

BOY.....I DID THAT......
BACK WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH MY DIFFICULT PERIOD..... "THE CHANCE FOR AN AFFAIR".....
I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT..... I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT I THOUGHT THAT WOULD WAKE HIM UP TO WHAT I WAS FEELING.  THAT HE WOULD SEE HOW I SAW THINGS......
HE WASN'T SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH ME. (THAT'S WHY THE OTHER MAN) AND THE GIRLS........
WE WERE HAVE MONEY ISSUES.....
SO I TOLD HIM....... THAT HE WAS A BAD FATHER AND BAD HUSBAND AND WASN'T PROVIDING FOR THE FAMILY.......
I ASKED HIM FOR A DIVORCE, AND EVEN CALLED THE POLICE. IT WAS TO GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.......

TILL, THIS DAY HE WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING THOSE THINGS TO HIM......
I WAS THE ONE. WHO WOKE UP TO HOW I WAS HANDLING THIS.....  ALL WRONG, AND I AM STILL PAYING FOR IT......
LIKE I HAVE MENTION, WE WERE WORKING THINGS OUT, OR SO I THOUGHT.......
BUT I THINK DEEP DOWN......
WE WERE NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING....
THE HURT FOR HIM WAS STILL THERE....
AND ALL THE SORRYS OR DOING RIGHT.  DIDN'T HELP......


I BELIEVE EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKE.....
THERE IS NO ONE THAT CAN SAY THAT THEY HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE, AND THEY HAVE ALWAYS DID THE RIGHT THING......
SO, WHY CAN'T HE FORGIVE ME.......
AS I CAN'T FORGIVE HIM......

WE HAVE HURT EACH OTHER SO DEEPLY.....

MAYBE WITH TIME........
BUT WHERE WILL IT LEAD US????????

TILL NEXT TIME.......
 

LAST NIGHT I RENTED THE MOVIE:

"DAIRY OF A MAD BLACK WOMEN"

BOY, DID I SEE MYSELF........
I AM THAT LADY......
I AM SO MAD, HURT, AND ANGRY.......

BUT I KNOW THAT WILL NOT HELP ME.....
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THE MOVIE AWAY. BECAUSE IT WAS A GOOOOOD MOVIE.
I THINK EVERY WOMEN SHOULD SEE IT.....

BUT.....
AT THE END, HER MOTHER TALKS TO HER ABOUT "FORGIVENESS" AND HOW YOU [YOURSELF] CAN'T MOVE ON TILL THAT HAPPENS.

THAT IS WHERE I AM STUCK........
I HAVEN'T WROTE THIS HERE, BUT I AM.....
MY HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR. THAT IS WHY HE MOVED OUT......
NOW, HE TOLD ME AFTER HE MOVED OUT AND WHEN THEY HAD BROKEN IT OFF. PLUS, HE WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT.......
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME, BACK IN FEB. AND WHAT DID I DO.......
TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT......
I GAVE IT THE BEST I COULD, EVEN AFTER I WAS TOLD....... ABOUT 1 MONTH AND 1 WEEK.  I ASKED HIM TO MOVE OUT.  HIS  WAY OF DEAL WITH IT. WAS TO BLAME IT ON ME.  TOLD ME THAT I WAS NOT GIVING HIM WHAT HE NEED AND THAT WHY HE WENT TO HER...... BULLS**T......  HIS EXCUSE.....
SO HE MOVED OUT......
WELL, AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS. WE STARTED TALKING AGAIN. AND ONCE AGAIN, WE WANTED TO WORK THINGS OUT.....
THEN, ABOUT 2 WEEK INTO IT.......
HE SERVED ME DIVORCE PAPERS.......

SO, HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FORGIVE......
I KNOW THAT WITH TIME IT WILL GET BETTER, BUT I RIGHT NOW.......
I AM SO MAD.........

THE MOVIE MADE ME REALIZE THAT HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.......
IF HE DID HE WOULD HAVE NOT HURT ME THE WAY HE DID......
I KNOW......  BECAUSE MANY YEARS AGO, I WAS IN THAT BOAT.......
I HAD A CHANGE TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.  BUT ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS OF HIM. HOW I LOVE HIM. AND THAT WAS WHAT I NEEDED.  I NEEDED HIM.......  BUT, OUR MARRIAGE...... HAD PROBLEMS, WHICH I WAS WILLING TO WORK AT IT.  I THOUGHT WE WERE. 
THEN ALL THIS HAPPENED.......

I KNOW THAT MARRIAGE TAKES WORK, BUT IT HAS TO BE BOTH PARNTERS WORKING AT IT TO MAKE IT BETTER.......
AND HE WAS NOT......
SO I KNOW MY MARRIAGE IS OVER.
AND NOW, I HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE ADJUSTMENTS. ESCEPIALLY, ABOUT THE KIDS........ AND LIKE I HAVE SAID, "THIS IS THE HARDEST PART AND IT BREAKS MY HEART INTO MANY MORE PIECES." FIRST BROKEPIECE, MY HUSBAND......

SO HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FORGIVE......
I AM ALSO A BELIEVER OF "WHAT COMES AROUND, GOES AROUND".........
SO MAYBE THAT WHERE MY FORGIVENESS WILL BE.....
NO, I STILL SOUND MAD......

WELL, SEE....TILL NEXT TIME..... BRIN