A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW........

LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM ABOUT MY HUSBAND......
WE WERE KISSING, AAHH.... I MISS HIS KISSES......  BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE. WE GETTING HOT AND HEAVY.  WHEN HIS CELL PHONE RANG......
HE ANSWERED IT, AND SAID HELLO. THEN SAID HI TO THIS GUY (WON'T SAY HIS NAME). BUT I KNEW DIFFERENT......
HE ACTED STANDOFFISH, AND TRY TO END HIS CALL WITHOUT GIVING MORE CLUES TO THE CONVERSATION.....
BUT THE OTHER PERSON WOULDN'T END THE CONVERSATION, AND KEEP TALKING. HE SAID, THAT HE WAS BUSY. AND HE WOULD CALL BACK. BUT HE MADE A MISTAKE...... HE SAID THE GIRLS NAME..... AND I LOOKED AT HIM, SHOCKED AND HE LOOKED AT ME, SHOCKED......  THEN I WOKE UP.......

    

TODAY, I ALSO READ SOMETHING THAT
AND IT HAS BEEN A VERY HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.......

NOW, MY LAST ENTRY I WROTE HOW MY MARRIAGE HAD PROBLEMS, AND I THOUGHT WE WERE WORKING AT IT.......
WELL, I READ A ARTICLE IN "O" MAGAZINE, JUNE ISSUE......

"BASICALLY, MEN FEEL THEY HAVE TO DO THREE THINGS: PRODUCE, PROTECT, AND PROVIDE. THEY HAVE TO HELP MAKE BABIES, PROTECT THE MOTHERS AND THOSE BABIES, AND PROVIDE FOR THEM."
"THE WORST THING ANY WOMAN CAN DO IS DIMINISH A MAN'S SENSE OF MASCULINITY." "LET'S TAKE THE IDEA OF PROVIDING: IMAGINE A WOMAN CRITICIZING HER HUSBAND OR HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EARN ENOUGH, OR A WOMAN ACCUSING THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN OF NOT PROTECTING THEM. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. I DON'T THINK WOMEN SEE THESE AS FRONTAL ASSAULTS ON THEIR MAN'S MASCULINE IDENTITY, BUT MEN DO."

BOY.....I DID THAT......
BACK WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH MY DIFFICULT PERIOD..... "THE CHANCE FOR AN AFFAIR".....
I TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT..... I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT I THOUGHT THAT WOULD WAKE HIM UP TO WHAT I WAS FEELING.  THAT HE WOULD SEE HOW I SAW THINGS......
HE WASN'T SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH ME. (THAT'S WHY THE OTHER MAN) AND THE GIRLS........
WE WERE HAVE MONEY ISSUES.....
SO I TOLD HIM....... THAT HE WAS A BAD FATHER AND BAD HUSBAND AND WASN'T PROVIDING FOR THE FAMILY.......
I ASKED HIM FOR A DIVORCE, AND EVEN CALLED THE POLICE. IT WAS TO GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.......

TILL, THIS DAY HE WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING THOSE THINGS TO HIM......
I WAS THE ONE. WHO WOKE UP TO HOW I WAS HANDLING THIS.....  ALL WRONG, AND I AM STILL PAYING FOR IT......
LIKE I HAVE MENTION, WE WERE WORKING THINGS OUT, OR SO I THOUGHT.......
BUT I THINK DEEP DOWN......
WE WERE NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING....
THE HURT FOR HIM WAS STILL THERE....
AND ALL THE SORRYS OR DOING RIGHT.  DIDN'T HELP......


I BELIEVE EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKE.....
THERE IS NO ONE THAT CAN SAY THAT THEY HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE, AND THEY HAVE ALWAYS DID THE RIGHT THING......
SO, WHY CAN'T HE FORGIVE ME.......
AS I CAN'T FORGIVE HIM......

WE HAVE HURT EACH OTHER SO DEEPLY.....

MAYBE WITH TIME........
BUT WHERE WILL IT LEAD US????????

TILL NEXT TIME.......