I WOKE UP HEARING THIS SONG.......
BECAUSE OF YOU
BY: KELLY CLARKSON.......

It is VH1 #1 song for this week......
Plus she will be here in December, so close..........



I did not have a great childhood, and I did not have a good relationship with my mother. So this song really touches me.......
I know that my parents did not know better. They should have, but I know that no one is perfect. I made the same mistake and I still try not to make them. This song remembers me of that. I feel for the mother going through the things she is going throught, but then I feel for the little one wanting her mother......

That is what I think about now......
How my kids are feeling because I do not want them to go through what I have gone through. But then there are things that I can not protect them from........
I have to sit back and watch them go throught it.......
That is the hardest part.......
But I will always be here for my kids.......

I try to find my time to go through my feeling, the hurt, the pain and the crying.......

But in going through all this: I know that I am living......
I thank God for everything.......
I have so much, and he is always here. I have grown so much, and I have so many friend, and I have my family........

Well, off to start the day........
Till next time......
    

             

Well, the rain came last night........

The ground was to wet to do anything. But I did get some stuff outside yesterday. And We finish decorating the Christmas tree. It was hard, I looked at some of the ornaments that we have had for so long. Since the beginning........  My baby girl put them up, so I left them up. I know that she wishes that things could be like the pass, but then she knows that they could not be.......  It is hard on all of us, but life moves on........  We did have fun decorating, even the little man got involved. Too cute....... He would say, "No that there, put it here."  He also helped me outside, My Little Man........  We had a good time.......
I hope that we could finish tomorrow........

I included some pictures of the ornaments I had made a long time ago. I have my tree as a Victorian Christmas Tree, or trying too.....  But I have included the pictures of the ornaments that I have made. I used my old and I mean old Christmas balls; they were starting to peel. I cover them with the lace and the blue fabric then added the trim and so forth. I am so proud of them and they are lasting......... I have some ornaments that my girls have made and have some that were given to us. And I have the ornaments that have the year on them. Every year I have been adding an ornament with the year on it. That is hard, reallizing how time is flying....... Then the ornaments with our names on it...... This year will be different, huh........

Well, I been go.......
Till next time......
     

                

SORRY FOR THE LAST ENTRY AGAIN.............

and THANK YOU Lori & JOE MAGIC SMOKE............
I am now able to add an entry from here and not on other browser........

Well, 'BO' was so good.......  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Dinner. We ate so much, My baby girl and I, as for the little man.  He did not want to eat 'BO'........ But he was a gentlemen at the table.
We also did the inside decor while we watched the parade. Then we turned on Christmas music. I will post some pictures later.

One of my close friend, Susan, called me Yesterday. Her father passed away yesterday. I felt so bad for her. He had skin cancer. She needed for me to sit with her son, my son's buddy, which was nice. He had his buddy to play with while we decorated. I will be there for her.
       

Today I will mowing the lawn and trimming the srubs. Getting ready to decor the outside......
I hope that we could finish today because there is rain coming on Saturday. Wish us luck.................

Till next time...........
 

test...

I cleared my cache........

          


IT IS THANKSGIVING......................

This week, my son came home with a picture of a turkey and 'BO' written on it. We asked him what it meant. He said that was his name. So, My baby girl and I have called the bird 'BO'.......
TOO FUNNY.......

I had 2 tests this week. One on Monday and the other on Wednesday. I did not do so well on one of them. I made a 77, sad.... but I think the stress of finding a job during the holidays is getting to me....... I did A's the other test, but I have no problems learning computer programs.........

Yesterday was my Oldest Daughters Birthday. I called her cell to wish her Happy Birthday and got her voice mail. So, I left a message. I did make her a cake on Monday, I was planning to make cupcakes so when she picked up her sister for school. She would be able to share them with her friends. But this year Thanksgiving holiday started on Friday. A week off........
She is 17th..........  Next year will be her Senior Year.......
WOW..... How time is flying........

She is with her dad this Thanksgiving. They are on the road to Florida, driving from Texas to Florida. Lovely.......... They are going to have Thanksgiving at the girlfriend's mother...... 2 adults and teenage with 2 kids in a Pt Crusier.......... I could hear it now, "Are we there yet."

My baby girl and I have plans. We are going to start decorating the house inside. We will be up to our elbows in lights and Christmas balls. But we will be having Thanksgiving Dinner........
We also are planning to decorate outside tomorrow. YOU KNOW WHO would be the one to decorate outside. This Year, We will........  I have some plans, I hope my baby girl will like them.....
But I am getting into the SPIRIT.......
Life moves on....... I have my kids except my oldest (miss you) but she is in my heart........
And that is what I am THANKFUL........
Plus my friends and family, without you all, where would I be......
Once again.........
    

Till next time...........................
     

Also, I lost my job. Oh my......... I am trying not to stress, but I am......... They had budget cuts and I was a recent employee, so I was the first to go. I am hoping the Temp agency will find another job for me, soon........ Please say a prayer for me.     Till next time.............  

Sorry about that last entry. I am having problems adding an entry to my journal. THANK YOU, JEN...... I have to use other browser to add this entry. I wrote this entry on Wednesday.........          

I was watching this movie with my baby girl last night.  It has me thinking and feeling.
My husband left me for someone better, that He did not want me anymore and wanted someone better.
SO I ASSUME.......  but that is how it makes me feel. I started to go back and listen to the voicemail from our last arguments; which he accuses me on what I did wrong. I will not get into details because I am ashamed, but what he brought up happened 7 to 10 years ago.  I know that I had many problems in the pass.  My childhood, teenage years and the beginning of our marriage, I handle things so wrong.  Like I have said, "I was closed-minded."  So I tried to look at more recent time.  We had our son. We wanted our son, and we had issue about the bills and house, etc.. The usual things. We even did some remodeling on the house. I remember trying to juggle between naps, so I could staining the doors and taking care of our son.  We did a lot of things together during the remodeling......  But I believe that we were fine.   What I really believe is that my husband wanted an out to our marriage. He was not happy, and He made excuses. He handle this the wrong way. Yes, We had problem but to blame it all on me. Is a coward.  I did not deserve this.  The pass does not give him the right to treat me this way.........  If anything, I still try to the end.  But I was treated the way I was.......
It sad because in the end; I really gave my heart.  But I was scary too, and I have a broke heart for it........  Is that not life...... Yes, it is the hurt, the pain, the sadness, etc........but it is also the happy, the love, the joy, etc......  And life moves on.........   Brenda.............

test  

I love these comments I received:

From Lisa: "Time does soften the blows that life deals and gives you experience to grow from."

And from Lori: "We don't always have to agree but we do need  to be open to it."

These comments are so true......... Thank You.........

                  
Now, New song.........
I have been playing this song so much.........

CROSSFADE

"Starless"

If only you could watch me fall
I cannot feel it anymore
The soul you cut the soul you adore
Cannot feel you anymore
Cause you've run through me with destructive force
I think somehow I gotta get it straight
I gotta get you out of me
But I cannot get through to you


See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I'm taking my last breath

How I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And how I feel like I'm starless
I'm hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And now I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to burn out

I can transcend you and mentally bend you
But I can't handle the shit that I'm into
I have been blinded and always reminded
Of the things I've wanted but I never could find
I am a part of a world that I hate I wish the
End would come faster my world's a disaster
Can't you see that I'm down and I'm drowning
And I can't keep my head above my wake

See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath
Standing over the edge I'm taking my last breath

How I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And how I feel like I'm starless
I'm hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feellike I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
And now I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to burn out


I gotta get you out of my veins
I gotta get you out of my blood
I gotta get you out of my scene
I gotta get you out of me

What I'm really trying hard to get down to words
Is the way I fit into this world
Things I survived pushed me to the darkeer side
Because of life as it was the life that was yours
Should have been mine
But I never could take anymore of this
Cause I'm always gonna get down to the floor
It's a cold gun that I kiss
'Cause I cannot break anymore

Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to fade now
That's how I feel when I'm starless
I'm hopeless and grayed out
Somehow I feel like I'm starless
I'm ready to burn out oh
Now I'm starless

 

Nancy wrote something that I have been thinking about. THANK YOU.......

She said that it was nice that I can be open-minded to her comment.

I have notice that I am open-minded; I was very closed-minded and I know that is where I went wrong in the pass. But like I told her. I know I am not perfect as well as anyone else. But when you have been so hurt; it is hard to be opened-minded. I believe I have been taken what I have gone through, somewhat well. I still have my good days and bad days, but in all; I kept my insanity............

I notice that when I just learn to accept things; I do not get so angry. I still find it hard to accept somethings, but that is life.........

Writing this makes me think of my oldest. I know this is how she is feeling. It is hard....  But I have notice with time; it heals..........  I am so sorry for everything.......

Brenda.......

I CAN NOT BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW.................

 

MY SON CAME DOWN WITH 101.1 FEVER, YESTERDAY MORNING. SO, I CALLED ON THE X FOR HELP..........  HE GAVE ME EXCUSES......... WAS ON VACATION LAST WEEK, MY BOSS SUPERVISER IS IN TOWN......  I HUNG UP AND DID WHAT I CAN........

YOU SEE.......  HE IS ON SALARY AND I AM ON HOURLY AND LIVE PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK........  SO ME MISSING WORK HURTS ME........

WELL, I TOKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR YESTERDAY. HE HAS AN UPPER RESP. INFECTION. AND NEEDED MEDICATION.......

WHICH HE COULD NOT HELP ME WITH EITHER, SO, I DO WHAT I CAN..........

SO I ASKED IF HE COULD SIT WITH HIS SON TODAY.....  NO, EXCUSE ONCE AGAIN...............

BUT WHAT DID I SEE TODAY............

PASSING BY THE MISTRESS DAYCARE.........

MY X'S CAR........... YEP, HE WAS PICKING HER KIDS UP FROM DAYCARE.......   HE HAS NOT EVEN CALLED ME TODAY TO SEE HOW HIS SON IS DOING........... B******   HE WAS ALSO IN GOLF SHORTS. MEANING THAT HE PLAYED TODAY........  SO I LOST HOURS FOR WORK AND HE WAS PLAYING GOLF.............

UHHHHHHHH....... WHAT A JERK...........

BRENDA.......

SO I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY SITUATION..........

I KNOW THAT KIDS FIGURE THINGS OUT, EVEN IF WE TRY TO PROTECT THEM. "THANK YOU RHONDA"

BUT THEN I KNOW THAT MY OLDEST READING MY JOURNAL COULD BE HARD FOR HER. "THANK YOU NANCY"

SO I AM WONDER WHAT I SHOULD DO...........

I WANT TO BE HONEST WITH MY KIDS IN EVERYTHING. I KNOW I AM NOT PERFECT OR MY X.  WE ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING THAT IS HARD FOR BOTH OF US AND OUR KIDS. THIS MIGHT BE ONE WAY FOR US TO START OPENING UP. MY X AND I LOVE OUR KIDS SO MUCH. ONE THING IS FOR SURE, HE IS NOW BEING A FATHER......... SORRY BUT THAT IS HOW I SEE IT. HE IS BEING MORE INVOLVED WITH HIS KIDS. OUR DAUGHTERS ARE NOT TO MUCH HANDS ON LIKE OUR SON. BUT I BELIEVE HE IS SEEING THAT........ DID NOT HAPPEN DURING THE MARRIAGE.....

SO WHAT TO DO...........

ALSO......... 

 

WITHOUT THE SUPPORT I GET FROM HERE...........

I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE NOW........

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THINGS INSTEAD OF BOTTLING THEM INSIDE. AND I SOME GOOD ADVICE OF YOU ALL.........

 

TILL NEXT TIME.........

 

MY X SENT ME THIS EMAIL:

Just so you know.  I didn't find your address.  You had emailed it to me a long time ago.(I DO NOT REMEMBER DO THAT.)  But it was "OUR OLDEST" that found your address and has read most of what you have had to say.  All you had to say was don't read it.  I will stay away.  You did tell a one sided story and I know your "friends" all think I am a jerk, asshole, bastard, and everything else that has been said.  It's nothing new to me because it's things you would say to me anyway.  You never knew who I was and you never will.  I'm not pissed about it, it's just a matter of fact.  But, keep in mind that "OUR OLDEST" has access to it too.  Good luck and good bye.  

I E-MAILED HIM:  

That is how you see it, my feeling never matter to you. so WHATEVER..........  YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT "MY X" WANTS. and that what you will not see........ I did things to please you,  thinking that you would love me, but no.......  You never got me.  So, You did what you have done, explains everything and why it has come to this........ Now, I have to move on and figure things out for me and my kids. as for "OUR OLDEST", she will see my feelings and what I have been going through........ Sad, she has to find out this way.......  

SO MY OLDEST IS READING. I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. I HOPE YOU HAVE A MORE UNDERSTAND OF THINGS. I WISH WE COULD TALK MORE. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU. I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO JOIN US FOR THE MOVIE. I HOPE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND. AND I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. DAD SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT YOU FOUND MY JOURNAL, WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS READING IT. BUT I HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING THAT I WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO HEAR. I WANT YOU TO KNOW EVERYTHING. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION OR WANT TO TALK. CALL ANY TIME.........  

WHAT A JERK, HE DOES NOT TELL ME EVERYTHING. AND I HAVE THE PROBLEM, HUH.......... JERK........  

IT HAS BEEN SO HARD FOR ME.........

TRYING TO GO ON AND DEAL WITH KEEP IT TOGETHER. I AM FEELING EVERYTHING. I GET ANGRY AND THEN I GET SAD. THEN I AM SO TRIED......... I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND OR TALK TO MY FRIEND BECAUSE I FEAR OF WHAT I MIGHT SAY. I KNOW THAT THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT I GOING THROUGH BUT THEY HAVE NOT BEEN THROUGH WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. I AM LIVING DAY BY DAY. AND I MEAN DAY BY DAY......
I DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER........  AND I AM STARTING TO WORRY.......
I KNOW I SAY I COULD ONLY DO WHAT I CAN. BUT I HAVE LITTLE'S TO THINK ABOUT......  OH MY, HOW MY LIFE IS NOW........  DUMB ASS ( YOU ALL KNOW WHO I AM TALK ABOUT).......
OH BY THE WAY, HE FOUND MY ADDRESS TO MY JOURNAL. SO HE IS READING MY WORDS.......... B*****
HERE COMES MY ANGER.....


PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME. I NEED THINGS TO COME TOGETHER FOR ME.........

TO BED.....
 

I received this email today.
When the house lights dimmed and the concert   was about to begin, the mother returned to   her seat and discovered that the child was missing
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights   focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.   In horror, the mother saw her little
boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out   "Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star."   At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and   whispered in the boy's ear,   "Don't quit.""Keep playing."    Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached   down with his left hand and began filling   in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached   around to the other side of the child,   and he added a running obbligato.     Together, the old master and the young novice   transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.    The audience was  so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played.   Only the classic,   " Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."   Perhaps that's the way it is with God.   What we can accomplish on
our own is hardly noteworthy.   We try our best, but the results aren't always   graceful flowing music.  However, with the   hand of the Master, our life's    work can truly be beautiful. 

 The next time you set out to accomplish great feats,   listen carefully.  You may hear the voice of the          Master, whispering in your ear,       
"Don't quit." "Keep playing."    May you feel His arms around you and   know that His hands are there, helping you   turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.   Remember, God doesn't  seem to   call the equipped, rather, He equips  the 'called.'
 Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone by passing this little message along.

May God bless you and be with you always!   

BRENDAxxxxx

WHAT A WEEKEND..............................

I HAVE BEEN ATTRACTING JERKS.  WHY IS IT THAT THERE ARE SOME MANY........ THE DREAM GUY NEVER CALLED; JERK. AND THIS WEEKEND, I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO WHAT HAPPEN BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE S**T.

TODAY WAS AN EMOTIONAL DAY FOR ME........
I MISSED MY KIDS SO MUCH..........
I WENT TO CHURCH TODAY. A FRIEND OF MINE THAT HAD MOVED AWAY WAS IN TOWN AND HER HUSBAND WAS GOING TO SPEAK AT THE CHURCH.
BACK IN 2002, THEIR SON HAD PASSED AWAY; A HUNTING ACCIDENT. I WANTED TO GO AND SEE MY FRIEND AND HEAR HIM SPEAK.......
WELL, NOT EVEN 5 MINUTES INTO HIS SPEECH. I WAS CRYING......  MY FRIEND, LIL WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME. I WHISPER TO HER THAT I HAD TO LEAVE. SO I QUIETLY GO UP AND LEFT......
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT LIVE LIFE NOW......
AND NOT TO WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK........
HE WAS GOING TO PLAY GOLF WITH HIS SON THE DAY BEFORE THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED, BUT WORK CALLED HIM AWAY. SO HE CALLED HIS SON THAT AFTERNOON TO LET HIM KNOW AND TO MAKE PLANS FOR NEXT WEEKEND. WELL, THE NEXT DAY, THEY WERE AT THE HUNTING LEASE AND THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED.......
THAT GOLF GAME NEVER HAPPENED......


LIVE FOR THE MOMENT.........
I AM MISSING MY OLDEST SO MUCH...... 
HER BIRTHDAY IS ON THE 23RD AND I DON'T THINK SHE IS WANTING TO SEE ME.....
SHE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME NOW..... I CATCH GLIMPSES OF HER IN THE MORNING WHEN SHE PICKS UP HER SISTER FOR SCHOOL. BUT TO SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH US........
SHE WILL NOT.....
SHE IS GOING TO BE 17TH. 
I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT.....
HOW TIME FLYS......  SO LIVING FOR THE MOMENT WITH HER IS SO HARD.....
I WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT FOR US.......
I KNOW ONE DAY IT WILL...... I HAVE WRITTEN TO HER BUT SHE WILL NOT WRITE BACK TO ME. I PRAY THAT GOD WILL WATCH HER AND PROTECT HER.
WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO SO..........

WELL, I BETTER GET TO BED.......

TILL NEXT TIME.....
 

        

TO A SWEET AND BEAUTIFUL LADY........
LISA JO FROM http://journals.aol.com/queeniemart/DamagedGoods

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENTRY ON ME, AND THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT LEFT COMMENTS.  I APPRECIATED ALL THE SUPPORT.  IT BEEN SO HARD TO DEAL WITH THIS.  I AM STILL WAITING FOR THE OUT COME.........

I AM TRYING NOT TO STRESS MY SELF BUT I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING ELSE HAS JUMP IN FRONT OF ME. AND I JUST CAN NOT GET AROUND IT...........

I HAVE MY DREAMS, MY HOPES, MY GOALS AND I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO LOSE.........
I AM SORRY. I WISH THIS COULD BE EASIER ON ME, BUT LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT, HUH..........
TODAY WAS NOT A GOOD DAY FOR ME.......  I AM SO SO.......  I AM SO STRESSED........

I HOPE TOMORROW IS A BETTER DAY........  I HATE LIVING DAY BY DAY.......

I KNOW I HAVE TO HOLD ON.......  BUT I FEEL SO ALONE.  IT IS ALL ON MY SHOULDERS.......

WELL, GOODNITE.........