I wish everyone a.........

BE SAFE.......

TILL NEXT TIME....

 

Yesterday afternoon, I talked to my EX............

I called his girlfriend at work (they work together.) I asked her if she knew what was going on with my EX. She asked what do you mean. I told her that he is driving by my house at 2am and he has a problem with me dating...... She said I would have to take that up with him. I told her I thought that she could enlightened me but that was ok. And I said goodbye......
So she had called him because he called me about it........
I let him have it. He jumped around the questions, but we talked. He said that he did not mind me dating. It is where I am meeting men and stay out late. So, I asked him, Where should I meet men? He said, "Friends, at church." I told him (because of how things are) at work. I told him Sorry but he deserved that.... but he did say Yes....  Can you believe that....

But I did tell him that this was nothing of his business. Who I date, Where I date, or how I date......  He said if it affects my kids it does.  I told him. How about the beginning when I was asking for him not to have his girlfriend around the kids. But NO you had her around them...... I have accepted that, but I wonder how my kids really feel about it. Real Feel about that.......
For me, I am respecting my kids, I will not have a guy around them till I know the guy will be good to my kids.......

There was so much that was said. I did tell him that Christmas day, our baby girl was really sad. I told him how she acted. How it was hard on us. How this was what we had to deal with. And I could not deal with it. I had to get support from my friend, but we did have Christmas Dinner. In the end, We were there for each other......
We were both glad that Christmas was over......

What pissed me off was. 
I hung up on him.....
He called me back and told me he needed to tell me something......before I talk to our baby girl and it backfires on me.....
He said that when he asked our baby girl to move in with him in the beginning. she said NO. So, I asked him when he told that she was thinking about it. He lyed to me......
He would not answer he was jumped around the question once again......
I kept asking him but could not get him to one YES, but he did say that in the beginning she said no. She did not want to move in with him....... 
So he must of talk her into thinking about move in with him....... WHAT A JERK.......

I still need to talk to my baby girl.....
till next time.....

  BRIN

I am so glad Christmas is over.................

It was hard. I was alone for Christmas Eve till 11pm. EX did not return the kids till then. I did not mind but then he was trying to make plans to come over on Christmas morning. I ignored him because I could not deal with that. That is why I gave him Christmas Eve, so I would not have to see him on Christmas day........

But he still messed up my Christmas day.....
I was invited to my friends house for Christmas Lunch. I did not take my baby girl because she is not friends with my friends kids. So she stayed home, but told her that I would be back and we would have Christmas Dinner.
While I was gone. He called my cell which I did not answer. He left a message about wanting to know how my son reacted to his Santa gift.....  I did not returned his call. Another hour passed and he called again....
This time telling me that he dropped by and that my daughter did not look happy. He wanted to give me the heads up.......

What do you think WHY......
It is our first year divorce. We (my baby girl and I) were both feeling disappointed and lonely and sad.......  I went to my friends for some support, then I would come back to have dinner with my baby girl.....
My Christmas tradition was to open present Christmas morning, and My baby girl did not even want to do that this year. It was very sad and upsetting for me......
So was everything......

Well, yesterday I had it out with my EX......
My baby girl and the Ex talked and basically she is having a problem with "me dating."
Last Friday, I asked my EX if my son could sleep over. My baby girl was already with her dad. He did not mind. Well, my friends lives 2 doors down from my EX. We were going out and I left my car there at the apartment complex parking lot, and we token her car. Well, my EX told me that my baby girl stayed up till 3 am, when I arrived. I asked how he handle it. He said he asked her if she wanted to move in with him.......
I was so upset. This was part of our problems. How we handle our kids....
I told him now she feels pressured.... instead of help the situation. He added to her worry.  He also started on me about staying out so late and meeting guys at clubs was not good.... He gave me his opinion. Which I told him, (and Please excuseme, but I am still PO.) "Your F**king opinion does not matter to me. Your opinion is s**t to me."
He went on and on and on.....
So what it comes down to is that he also has a problem with me dating.....
Oh..... Last Thursday night, I caught him driving by my house at 2am. Maybe not the first time.... the only reason I saw. Because I was checking on my son, that was the night he got his staples.
What the hell is this all about.......
He was the one who left me, had an affair, was sleeping with both of us, and got the divorce........
So I am not able to move on....... Am I not to date......

I know I have to talk to my baby girl......
She should be back today from dad's apartment. But I will be planning on having a talk with her.......

I can not believe this is what I am having to deal with.....
I know that my life goes on and I want to be happy.....
I want to share my time with someone special....
I want to have some fun......
I am looking for Mr. Right....  Right for me.....
So why does everyone else have a problem with it......
Now, my EX has his girlfriend around my kids......
I have learned to accept that, so Me dating......
I do not have the guys around my kids..... I have twice or maybe 3 times asked my baby girl to watch my son while I met up with a friend. She is 15 and she said she did not mind......  But being that she has a problem with me dating.... I will do my dating when dad has them.......
But that night that she stayed up till 3am. She was at dad's. But I will not leave my car at my friends house......
Boy, This is hard.......
He has moved on, Why can I not move on..........

Anyway.....
I glad Christmas is over. My son is doing well with his staples. I have been going out since the kids are with dad....
OH last night we went to a karaoke bar....  THAT WAS SO FUN......LOL......
She is fun to hang around with......

Well, till next time......

 

Last Year.......

We had snow for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Yes, In South Texas........

This Year, Being recently Divorce and Yes, My EX has the kids. Gave in..........
I spent Christmas Eve with BIRDS, BOATS AND DOLPHINS...........
ONLY IN SOUTH TEXAS......... I BELIEVE.......

HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE PICTURES.......
If you have dial-up; it will take a while to upload the pics. SORRY....  50, that I wanted to share.......

First, I was on the ferry going to the island.
(Hey, Andrew... I wonder if you been there....)
Then I went to the Jetty's. Then I went for a ride...... 
Was very nice and relaxing.....
I also had to share the picture of my little reindeer and the platter I made for the teachers......

WELL.....
TILL NEXT TIME.....

 

What a day..............

I have found a job.......
One that is going to work around my school hours and should be permanent. I pray....... Thank God.....
It is part-time, but that is what I need right now.....
I worked today and It kept me busy......

My baby girl and I baked yesterday. And I prepared a platter for the day care teachers. They loved it......
And the goods at home are almost gone..... because I have been giving some to my friends......

Well, at around 4:30 this afternoon. I get a phone call from the day care.......
Apparently other little boy pushed my son and my son hit something. I do not remember what they said. All I remember after that was that he was bleeding and has a cut on his head. I rushed to the day care and as soon as I saw his cut. I was out the door to the hospital. Yes, I knew that he need stitches.......
I called his father to let him know that he was hurt and was heading to the ER..... My baby girl was with him, so she came along.... She was worried about her baby brother too.....
They met me at the ER and We waited......
I was there by 5:00. They got us in right away.....
But it was hard to see him cry and fuse......
They had wrapped him like a mummy and quickly worked on him....  He cryed and fused. He even pee on himself..... He has 5 staples..... I was trying to clam him down but nothing worked.....
I did not eat lunch and smelling his bloody head was making me nauseas. I just had enough...... I was going to faint, but I hold it together....
My little man......
The funny thing was the nurse gave my baby girl some chocolates to give to him......
As soon as she offered them to him. He stopped crying..... We were out of the hospital by 6:30. Not Bad, huh.......
Now, to take care of his staples......
He told me that he has staples in his head, Too Funny...... He is so smart.....

Well, I am tried once again..... And I am going to check on my son.....
Till next time....
    

                             

I recieved this today..............

 

Too Good...........

It is almost here......
and I have not been in the Christmas Spirit...
I can not wait till it is over......

I have plans to do some baking maybe my baby girl will join me.......

Well, just a quick HELLO......
Till next time.....
   

I have been doing some soul searching.................

I would like guy;  who would be interested in me. One who would ask, How was my day ? What are my worries (not to help me out) but to be concern about me. One that will trust me and love me for who I am. To talk to everyday. One that will make me smile and laugh. I am sounding so selfish, huh.....
But I realize that I want that for him too..........
I want to know everything about him. To be there for him in every way that he needs me. To make him smile and laugh. To hear his worries and just be there for him.......
If I would find a man; who would give me that and give me more. I would give him my love.........

Do you think there is a man like that for me........
I know there is....  But will I find him this year. I know the year is almost over. HAHAHA.... 
I guess I could wish for next year......



Well......
This weekend I did attend a party. And Yes, I meet someone...... 
I guess that is why I am doing all that soul searching.....
He and I talked and talked and talked. It was very nice. "You know how much I like good conversations."  For once I told myself that I would speak my mind. If he did not like what I said. Then it was not meant to be. But by the end, He told me that he like a girl that would say what she thought......
Figure that????
We did exchange phone numbers, and He called me yesterday......
He is interested in me, but it is to soon to know if this is the right guy. If he is my dream guy.......
He will be leaving for the holidays because he is originally from Washington. He is going to be with his family. So He will not be here for the holidays..... :(
But he did call me, that is a start.... Right.....
I will take it slow, and time will tell......
I am scared about things. My heart being broken again....
About what I will really find out about this guy. I guess about everything.....  I can feel those butterflies in my stomach, and I know that is normal, but is this to soon????.......

Well, I will leave you with that.....
Till next time.....
   

I have been thinking......

Why do I find it hard to think about myself??
And I think it is because I will realize how very hurt I am, and I think I will lose it.......
But I am try to give in a little......
I am trying to be strong for myself.....
I could handle this or maybe I need some time. I do fell strong, but then I have my set backs......

I know with time it will get better, but I will try to feel happy for what I am doing and can do......
Finishing the first semester has brought so much confidence for myself......  This has been a major 'Joy' for me.....
And I am focusing on completing my degree. That is my next goal........ One semester at a time........  RIGHT....

So I have been tagged by Ellen Onedayatatime.....

"10 things I am happy about....."

My #1. My kids, I love them so much......
2. Finish my first semester..... Receiving 2 "A's" and 1 "B"
3. My dear friends and family; They have helped me in so many ways......
4. My health; knock on wood....
5. Good conversations with friends and family......
6. Making a wonderful meal.....
7. Reading a good book......
8. Playing Tennis, which I have not done lately..... I need to get out there.....
9. Good Music...  I have to hear it everyday.....
and last..... My online Journal and my Jland friends.....
with out your support; I would feel so alone.......
 
I am so Thankful for so much.......

Till next time.......
   

Well.......

I found out that 2 out 3 classes; I have made an "A."  
Tomorrow I will check into my last class.......

Yesterday, My son's daycare had a Christmas performance. It was so cute.......
I had other mother come up to me and tell me some surprising news.......
She said that my son came up to her, and he told her that her daughter was his girlfriend........ 
He is already starting....... 3 years old and has a girlfriend.  I wish I knew before hand so I could take a picture of her.......  She is so cute......  She had small ponytails on her hair, beautiful dress and white pantyhose with black shoes.  Just Darling.........
She said that she pointed 'My Son' out to her husband and told him. There is your future son-in-law......  I laugh now but time flys.......  I do not even what to thimk about that.......

Anyway I am still looking for work. This sucks.......
I feel like such a failure......  But I know that employers do not want to hire someone that in a few weeks is going back to school......  And all the holiday work is taken.... JUST MY LUCK..... but I am still searching....

the Trans Siberian Orchestra will be near me this weekend....  I wish I could go and see it......
I love to hear music like this......

Also, I was reading my divorce decree, and this year is my schedule time with the kids for the Christmas Holiday........  
'Ex' is not happy about it.... I really feel bad for him.....
But a few days ago, he was going on with his plans, when he though that he was spending Christmas with the kids....

So now that the decree has the schedule time for me to be with the kids this Christmas holiday.  He wants to see if I will work things out with him.......

So stick with the schedule on the decree or make arrangements???
I know I should be thinking about the kids.......
and I am....  I will make plans with him.

But I am so angry with everything has happen to this point.
I know that the kids are in the middle. I hate that this is our lives....  Kids in the middle; they want both of us, but we are in two different places.....  SUCKS......

I know with time things will get better. This is our first year, but I wonder what will happen next year when he has the schedule Christmas time with the kids. Will he be willing to work things out with me? 
When he thought he was going to have the kids. He never mention anything specific for me to spend time with the kids.
I would tell him to do what he wants that he has been doing that. Case in point; 2 weekends ago, he was 'NOT' available to pick up the kids. He kept saying, "Read your divorce decree, Brenda. Read your divorce decree." And he was reading the wrong divorce decree......
But it is all for himself.......  Was he thinking about the kids at that time.....  It was his schedule time with the kids and he decided to go out of town instead of being with his kids. (and this was not a business trip, it was for pleasure.)
In someways I did not want to get my hopes up and then he could destroy them. He has done that before......
I can not depend on him to keep his word...... because he has not kept it. I had to fight to get what he said he would do. So, in dealing with the kids. I have that on my mind.......  I can not depend on him....... SAD,HUH.....
and when he says he will. I worry till the last moment if he will come through with his word.......

Anyway, I am tried....... I hate dealing with all this..... But I know I have too......  This is my life.......

Till next time......
   

Well, FINALS are over....................

And I made it. I will not hear about my grades until Dec. 14th. Well the last day for Professor to input grades is De. 15th, so I will be checking on them.
I believe I did good, but I can not tell. At time I feel that way and I failed. And then there are times that I am right.........

But I am still dealing with the Wednesday night issue......
I am so stress that I have so many things running around in my head. I am glad that finals are over because I do not have to worry about them. Now I could focus on the others. But I hate how I lost it. And in Front of "You know Who."  Having him around at the appointment (my son's procedure) brought so many feeling.......did not help me....
I know he wanted to be there, but I could not deal with it........

That evening I asked him for help (money because of my situation) that turn out ugly........
He said some awful things and saw how he twists things around so much.........
He had the nerve to tell me that maybe we should go back into court so he could take the kids because I could not take care of them.......
I told him that I was handling everything the way I had planned.........  What threw me for a loop was losing the job. If it was not for that I would be fine.......

He even had the nerve to bring up the date.........
He told me I was making out on the first date with my dream guy.......He turned it around....... so I turned it around.....
What about you.....  He had an affair during our marriage and was together with her and I.........  What a jerk.....
I am always the bad person...... "NOT"........
He kept turning things around..... and I was there arguing with him.......
I know that in my heart I still love him (strange, huh....) but I know in my head it will not work........
There is to much.......

Yesterday, I talked with my baby girl about the holiday visitation coming up.......
She does not want to be all week with dad. She wants to come back on Sunday night then go back on Wednesday. Then come back on Christmas day. Well, Thursday is her Birthday. I asked if we were going to get together on her Birthday. She said she did not want to be going back and forth...... So I will not be spending time with her on her Birthday....... I am disappointed..... But she is old enough to decide what she wants to do, and If that is not spending her Birthday with me. That is her choice......
In the past, We were spend the kids Birthday going out on the day of their Birthday..... So this year has been different.....  Understandable because of the divorce, but I am hurt about it...... 

Job searching has not been good...... I did not hear from an employer yesterday. So I felt like S**T ....... 
I token a PM tablet last night, so I could sleep. I been feeling so tried, but I have not been sleeping well.....  That helped and lately it seems that is the only way I could get a good night rest.....
Oh God, Please help me find a job.........  I need a job.... I keep getting those doors shut in my face......
It is so difficult for a women to find good work........  That is why I need my degree. I think....

Well, enough of me.........
Till next time.......
    

           
                     

I have been stressing..........................

I have a final exam this morning and 2 final exams tomorrow. Thank God it is almost over......  but I have so many other worries that I finding myself not able to concentrated. Not Good for finals........
Yesterday, My son had a crown put on one of his molars. They gave him laughing gas and the usually medication to work on his tooth. I believe this is where I lost it somewhat. It gradually hit me.......

Then No Job, it is very hard to find work on your last week of school....... Understandable, but I have too.......

Then I see the ex around..........
Tuesday night, I was given 2 free tickets to The Nutcracker, and I took my baby girl. We were so happy to attend. We dress up (I wish I was able to take her out to dinner but could not) and were happy to attend this the first time ever.......
Well, Who shows up with who else.......
The ex and his girlfriend......
It turns out that her oldest was in the Nutcracker......  What dumb luck......
Our first Nutcracker event and her daughter was dancing........

Anyway, I am trying to hang in there, but last night I lost it.......
I will getting into that at later time. I need to go and shower and get dress. I hope that will help me.  Please keep saying prayers for me.......  I know this has to turn around for me.  SOON.......

Till next time......
   

I had a dream....................

Yes, It was about my ex. He had come home from a long day at work. He had eaten and was tried, so he fell asleep. I made sure the girls were aware that their dad was sleeping and to be quite. We went to the living to watch T.V. He was asleep for about 2 hours when his cell phone rang. He answered it then he came to the living room and said that he needed to go back to work. Something happened and he needed to take care of it. In my dream, I felt that sunken feeling of disappointed and wanting him but he was leaving. Then I felt that I was being selfish, but it was creeping up. He could tell that I was not happy with him leaving. He said, "What?"  I told him. You eat and sleep and off you go from a phone call. What about us. He said, "I will be back soon just go on with what you were doing."

That feeling was so real.......
I remember it so well........
That is when I was accused that I was so selfish. I remember it so well and from a dream. How strange........
I did not really know how to explain it to him because he would make me feel like I was selfish.  He would turn it around and say what about me being tried. What about me working so hard. I do not want to go back to work, but I have too.  Come on Brenda.....

I could see now how things were. I was alone.  He had left us along time ago.......
I was the one to take care of the kids and he worked and worked. But then he had his play dates. He would play basketball on Tuesday and Thursday plus Saturdays and sometimes Sunday. When I started to play Tennis. The girls were old enough to be alone, so he was not watching young ones, but he did not like it.  He would accuses me of wanting to play tennis because of the instructors. That they were hitting on me. He worked with a guy, and his wife would play tennis at the same country club, and he would tell him story of what happens at the club. So he would turn it around on me......
In looking back even though I do not want to remember. (I am still making excuse for him because that how he would say, "What about me?" like it was my fault.)  I would vacation with the girls alone. It would always make excuse for not going.....  In everything...... It was like pulling a tooth to get him to do something with us.
There was time that I would check to see if he was at where he said he would be.  But he would turn that around. He made me feel like I was crazy. 
He never really understood why I felt the way I did.......

This pass week when we argued. He turn it around. He said, "Brenda, You wanted the primary care of the kids, so you take care of it. Read your divorce decree, Brenda."
So that gives him the right to choose when he wants to be with his kids........
When it is convenience with him......

Am I been selfish?  Am I wrong? I know I could be lenient because of the kids, but then I have to adjust. I think I have adjusted enough for him. I know that he will not do it for me. Being that he is saying "Read your divorce decree."

But I am handle things for myself.  I have my worries and they are mine.  But I do not want to start into those.......
I will leave it; they will work themselves out. I pray.......

           

This is the last week of school.........
I am so ready; I can not believe how fast 3 months passed........

 

I like this picture........
They are so cute; are they not??????

Well, I better go......
Till next time.......
   

                            


 Well it went bad.................

My oldest came over last night. I called her and told her to come over for pizza. Plus my baby girl and my oldest were going to the same high school play. So, They could go together. She came over and was being very quite and cold. She did not say anything just eat and sat there. Well, they token off to the play and by 10:15. My baby girl is knocking on the door. My oldest just left. My baby girl said she was going to this 'place.'  She did not even respect me to even asked; she just left. So, I called her on her cell and I told her that she should have come down from the car and told me. I asked her to be back in 30 minutes. Well, the minutes went by and still no sight of her. So, I drove to this 'place.' She had some friends in the back seat with the doors open. She was sitting in the drive seat with the door open. She come over and I ask her if she was coming home. She tells me that she did not want to stay at the house and was going to her friends house. Now, Dad is gone out of town (the reason he could not be with the kids), he token his girlfriend and her kids with him. She is in my care, and now she wants to go. So I call the ex, so she could tell him. They talk and off I went.
My ex and I talk some more, but we are on different terms when it comes to our kids.
But what it comes down to him is: He would rather be with the girlfriend and her kids than with his own kids.
I did check on my oldest and instead of being at her friends house. She went back to the dad's apt. I knock on the door so I could talk to her, but she would not open the door. Who she had in there is other question I have? Maybe that is why she did not want to open the door.

Anyway, she is still so angry with me. I did try to talk to her on the phone and I listen to what she had to say. But she has a lot of things wrong. She is closed-minded right now. So, Trying to talk to her will not work. She a teenager......

I told my ex, to stop trying to fix this. He has talks with her and she is closed-minded. She believes in what she thinks is right and will not reason with anything or see what I have to say in anything that she has a problem with me. The wall is so big.......
I been there; I have done that......
So I know what she is going through.
So I ask my ex to stay out of it........
Because it will not change, The wall is too big..........
She is so angry with me...... and all the talks will not help.

She does not understand, and I know because I once was there.....
My family thinks we have a curse on us because we see the cycle that has happen. I did it to my mother and my mother did it to my grandmother. It not that I do not love my mother, but my childhood was bad. So, that did not help.........
Where I went wrong was when I was closed-minded. I shut out most of the world and I only depended on my ex. Boy was I wrong.......
It went so bad with him and I try still because of my kids.
Why do I even give a damn..........

I am off to bed.....
 

                    


This song has wonderful words................

I know Hillary Duff is to young (fairly new artist,) but this song 'Fly' does have good words. I will add the words at the end of my entry..........



I am upset; the day before yesterday, I have an argument with my ex.  He has plans for this weekend and would not be able to be with his kids.  He try to trade weekends with me, but I felt like I am the one having to adjust.  So I reasoned that if he was not going to be available for his kids then I was not going to adjust. Meaning: I would not trade with him.  He would choose to lose out time with his kids.  I will not accommodate with his schedule; he did not do that for me when I need help with the little man, so I will take care for myself and my kids.  I have notice that I have been doing that lately.......... 
I will not depend on him......... This is my life now........

I was planning on study for my final which are this coming week. I can not believe that the end of school is so near.......
I will have college credits...........
What an accomplishment, I feel so happy..... "Just the beginning"

I will have 5 weeks off till my spring semester. I am still looking for work, and I am trying not to worry. But I need to find something soon.......  Keep Praying for Me.........

I am still living and going on with my life.  Living day by day......

I did speak with my oldest yesterday......  It was so nice......
I hope she decide to come home for the weekend while dad is gone. (You are welcome anytime. We would love to have you here. We miss You......)
Christmas vacation for them is almost here too.  This year, the schedule is for my ex to have the kids for the Christmas Holidays. SAD.......  But my baby girl has told dad that she wants to spend Christmas day at home. So She will be with me....... I don't know about my other kids...... HARD......
I have not token the picture from the outside decorations.  I have not been turning on the lights because I do not want to have a high light bill, but I will turn them on on the weekends, and the weekend that dad has them. I will turn them on during the week. This is the only way I could afford to do. At least I put some decorations up plus there were alot of lights missing.  I believe my ex throw away a lot of lights from last year......... 
But I was still able to do somethings......
But I will take some pictures this weekend.....


OK.......
Now, The words.........
Fly Lyrics
by Hilary Duff

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

And we're you're down and feel alone,
And want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else,

Any moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday,

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try,
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.

Any moment, everything can change.