Luke emailed me.....

After so many weeks, he wanted to know if I was ok.  I can't believe he would ask that.  How am I doing.  I can't get over him.  He does not know what he has done to me.  I told him that, and he said that he does becasue he is going through the same thing.  That is all it took for me to go back into this emotional rollercoaster ride again, then I feel like I am living in a slow motion movie, but I living in it.  It is hard to explain.....

I can't get over him.  I know it will take time, but I don't want to move on.  I live in the memories. Oh the so many memories......

I live in hope, love and faith now.....

Let it roll, let life happen......

Till next time......

 

Well, my oldest daughter graduated last night........

 

 

She graduated in the top 10% of her class.  I am so proud of her.  She has accomplished a lot.  I cried a little, but I can't believe that my oldest has graduated.  I have a child out of high school and going into college.  I, myself, have not finish college.   I can't believe how my life is, plus the things I have to deal with.

Thursday, my ex had a party for my daughter, and he invited me.  So I went, but I should have known better.  Katy did her thing.  I hate that I have to deal with her.  She wrote a letter to my daughter, saying nice things and how she felt about her.  I just wanted to run.  She did it in front of Brenda Lee's friends and me.  I know she intentionally did it to hurt my feelings.  I tried to go and check on DJ because he was in the bathroom with his dad.  DJ has this cough that makes him throw up from all the congestion.  And that was what he was doing when she read the letter.  My friend Susan was with me, and she did not know what to do.  She just looked at me, but there was nothing she could do.  I could not believe that she would do something like that.

Yesterday, I talk to Brenda Lee before the graduation ceremony, and she told me that she said something to katy.  But she thinks that she did nothing wrong.  She told Brenda Lee that she thinks I should be happy that she feels that way about her (me) daughter.  She could cares less about my feelings, and my ex stood by her (jerk).  Also, Luke contacted me yesterday.  He is wondering how I am doing.  I have been so out of whack.  With katy on one side and Luke on the other.  I want to scream.....

Yesterday night, I had to call the ex after the ceremony, so Brenda Lee could take pictures with him.  I had found her, and she did not have her cell phone, so I had to call him.  I did not even look her direction or acknowledge her.  But I thought of Brenda Lee.  I know that she wanted her dad and wanted pictures with him, so I called him.

This morning, she told me that my ex did tell her last night that he does feel bad for me and see how wrong it was for katy to do what she did.  She said that katy even wanted to apologize, but she did not know how.  Whatever...  I am planning to stay away from her.

As for Luke, I can't stop thinking about him.  Last night, I dreamt about him; being in his arms, even if it was just in my dreams felt so well.  I am hopeless.....  It has been a month, and I can't get over him.  I have been writing in a journal, trying to move on.  It helps to write what I am feeling, but it brings it to surface.  I keep remembering all the moments.  It does get easier, but I see how in love I am with Luke and how hard it is to get over him.  I was more in love with him than I was with my ex.  That is why it is hard to move on, but I know I have to.

 

Well......

Brenda Lee is almost out of school.  Sunday was the Baccalaureate.  She got upset with dad because he left afterwards.  He did not stay to take puctures with her, and mind you the wife had her camera.  I did take pictures with her, as you can see.  Friday will be the day, I can't believe that this day is coming already.

I am stressing in finding work, nothing yet, and I am starting to worry.

I am starting to get over Luke.  It has been a month.  I did something that I had to do, but some people will not understand.  I have a myspace website (address above), and I contacted Luke's wife.  She has a myspace website.  I did a friend request to her, but when Luke called to tell me how low that was of me to do that.  I lied and deny it all.  I did some fast talking, but he did not know what to do.  My friend told me that was not right of him to say that it was low of him to do me the way he did.  she is right, so that is why I do not care that I did what I did.  Plus I did want Courtney to see the pictures I once had of Luke and I (I remove them today, no longer on myspace.)

She wrote me this email:

Brenda,
I just wanted to let you know that we are not sure who is behind this friend request - you or Christy & Jessica - but, either way it doesn't matter because I will not let yall get the best of us. Who ever sent this to me was only trying to cause problems and I am not going to let that happen. I am not going to play this silly game. Luke and I have 13 years together, I can easily send you pictures from our past but, I'm not going to do that because that is something that is special & personal between us and there really wouldn't be point to it - just a waste of time. I want you to know that things are very good between me & Luke right now. All that has happened is being put in the past and left behind. The love that Luke & I have for each other is very strong. It has to be to be able to get through a situation like this. And to tell you the truth our love is stronger now than it has ever been. He is proving to me every day how much he loves me & how much he has missed me. He is showing me how committed he is to our relationship and marriage. We are getting back what we had lost and so much more! I know what I want and that is Luke - my husband, the father of my children - and I will not let anyone or anything that has happened in the past couple of months ruin the rest of our lives that we have to share together. I will fight for what I want. I will not give up on my marriage or Luke. I see the effort and changes that he is making to fix everything and to try to better our lives together. The wounds that I have will take some time to heal but Luke is standing by me and helping me get passed the pain. We will get through this and we will be okay. We are moving forward with our lives together and everything else will simply be in the past.
Sincerely,
Courtney

Then I wrote her this:

Courtney,
First, Thank you for being honest with me. I know that Luke loves you, and he is where he needs to be. I am glad to hear that you all are doing well. These pass few months we're hard on me and full of emotions, but I know that everyone else had been going through them too. Luke is a very special man and confused. I will always love him. We went through a lot, and I don't regret any of it. He will always have a place in my heart. I want him to be happy, and if that means with you, then it was meant to be. I know how hurt he was when he was without his kids; which I do miss your kids. I hope they are doing good. My son also misses them, the other day, he was asking for them, but I was glad to meet them. I do hope that everything in the past can be put behind; Luke told me the same thing, but in the end, he could not do it. So I hope for you and your kids that Luke will be able to do that, so that your marriage could go on. I hope the best for Luke, and I still love him. I will always love him, but I let him go. Only time will tell as to how things will work out.

Best of luck,
~Brenda

I am trying to move on, and I realize that Luke has too also.  I do hope that he will be able to work things out and be happy with her, for the kids sake.  Everyday I think of him, but it is getting easier.

I am getting out there, and I did meet a guy that I am interested in, but.....  always a but there huh.

He is hard to understand, maybe he will just be my rebound man.  Right now, I love dancing with him.  We dance very well, and I love that.  Only time will tell.....

Till next time.....

Well, a lot has happen...

 

I had an interview yesterday with this hot-shot lady attorney.  I heard from my friend that she thinks she is a feminist.  It went good, but I am not sure if I responded correctly to this one question she asked.  She went into asking about my work and got into my kids and so forth.  I told her about having my son, and then my job was transfer to Spring, Texas, and I stayed home with my son.  Then the separation and divorce and going to school.  The conversation was good, I felt at myself with her.  She then asked the question, “How do you deal with stress?”  This is where I do not know if I should have answer the way I did.  I said, “I have an ex-husband that I deal with.”  She laughed and I still laugh, but I think she knew what I meant.

 

Anyway, I am looking into two other positions that I will be interview and testing.  I did test at the courthouse, but I am still waiting to hear from them.

 

Please say a prayer for me...

Well, my mother's day is starting as a reminder of what mother's do......

 

Last night, DJ woke up at 3 a.m.  coughing and throwing up, afterwards he slept with me in my bed.  Then this morning I made breakfast and put the sheets in the washer (can let that sit till tomorrow).

I did go out last night and came back home around 1:30 a.m.  I found a note that Sabrina and DJ made for me, it said Happy Mother's Day, we love you.  It was so nice...... and with butterflies.

I still can't stop thinking about Luke, but I am starting to get angry.  I can't believe that he is putting me through this.  I don't deserve this, and I think I should move on.  But then I remember everything that we went through, and how I feel for him.  I love him so dearly......  but his absent make me feels lonely, hurt, angry and betrayed.  I know with time it will get easier......

Well, till next time.....

 

COOL MySpace Comments

 

To all the mother's in j-land......

Hope it is a wonderful day for you all.

 

I have some good news.......

 

I made 3 B's and an A in Algebra.  WooHoo......
With everything I was dealing with I am so amazed with my grades.

Plus  I got a call from the county courthouse yesterday, they want me to come in and do some testing.  Once the test is done then interviews will start if the testing is within their standards.  I wanted to work in the courthouse.  I would love to work in the Federal building.  There is one here in Corpus, but then I would love to work at the Capital; Austin......

Only time will tell..... 
Where my career will lead me too.

But say a prayer that everything goes well.

I have not heard from Luke since Tuesday.  I don't except to hear from him though.  I am trying to move on.  I will going out tonight with my friend Kristy.  She is so much fun to be with.  Yesterday, we were having lunch and towards the end of our lunch some cute guys walked in and went to the bar, so we move ourselves over to the bar.  We had a drink and watched the guys and chatted.  Well, she turns to me and asked me which one I like.  I told her which one, and she said I like him too.  Then she says, "Let's arm wrestle him," and I put up my arm, and she was going for it.  I tried to beat her, but she was really fighting for it, so I let go and hit her glass and spilled her drink.  I was so embarrassed.....

The guys laughed it up, and you could tell they enjoy the entertainment.  That's Kristy for you.....

Well, I needed to get dress....

Sabrina is here, and we have plans.

Till next time.....

 

A POEM ABOUT OUR GIRLFRIENDS ?

Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes~~~~
might be lonely.
And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen~~
Losers let things happen."
Be "blessed" ladies~~~~~
and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person, but to the one person you just sent this to,
it could ? mean so much."

SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN~~I JUST DID!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

My friend Melinda just sended this to me.  Boy, I needed it.......

 

It has been very hard for me, but I think I am starting to look at the positive side of things.  I am planning and moving on.  Friends are so wonderful, and I have some good ones.....

Thank God, they are here for me.  I will get pass this, and I will find another job.  I just have to keep moving and looking.

Last time, I heard from Luke was Tuesday.  He was telling how he still loves me so much, but he had to do this.

Strange thing is that I do understand.  When he asked me to marry him, after the question and hugging and kissing and holding, I did asked him if he was sure about it.  I knew it then that is was to soon.  I just knew that he was not though the process of divorce.  I been there done that, but I believe that he had, and he was not.

So, Like the butterfly, let him go, and if he returns than it was meant to be.

  ~BRIN

March the 11th was my last entry and a lot has happen.

 

Well, first, Luke went back to Courtney.  He wants to try to work things out with her.  5 months, we were together and in love.  I feel so rejected.  It was so hard and right before finals.  It was really hard.  My last final was on Thursday, but I had all 3 test that day.  Talk about stress......  At least I did not have a break down.  But I think I am starting to.....

Because my boss let me go.......
Yep, beside not having a finance.  I do not have a job.  Why does this happen to me?  The reason that he told me was that he needed a full time Paralegal and one with more experience.  He said that he should have done that from the beginning.

I have so much going through my head.  I am missing Luke so bad....

Feeling like I am so worthless. Hitting rock bottom again.....

 

Luke has admitted to me that he know what he is walking away from.  That I could make him happier than what Courtney can.  He misses his kids so much and sees how hard it is on them. He has told me that if Courtney could make him half as happy that he is with me than he wants to be there because of the kids.  He told me that it was nothing that I did, but that he had to give it one more try for his kids.

I can't get him out of my mind.  I am so in love with him.  It was so real... so real....
We had a lot of obstacles.  A lot has happen and said that I want to write in here.

In time.....

Till next time....