I have been dealing with a lot......
I haven't really broken down, but I have come close. I am afraid too, because of what will happen. Someone will really hate me, or I will completely loose it, or I will not be able to handle it. I am feeling like such a failure.
The biggest truth, I can't get over Luke. Till this day, I think about him everyday. He hurt me even worst than my ex-husband. Just image, I give him my heart again after the failure of my marriage. I gave into love again and it ripped me apart again.
Yes, I have a new guy, John. Yes, he has told me that he loves me, but the important question is: Do I love him? At times, I do see that I do, but then I do the things I do.
I called Luke behind John's back. It has been a while since I called him. And the last time, I talked to Luke. I told him that I would not call him again. I told him 'Goodbye,' and I do feel that I mean that. I am really trying to close that door.
As for John, he is so wonderful, BUT....
Yes, but....
First, he will be turning 23 years old on the 25th, next Monday. Now, he is very mature for his age. I know the Navy had something to do with this. He really wants to be with me; he is now living with me and is helping me with everything that goes on here: cleaning, laundering, and the bills. He has become a roommate, but a lover too. He is helping me get over Luke in someway.
Now for my most shameful failure, the reason why my last job ended. The boss told me that she felt that I could not make it as a Paralegal. I cry every time I think about how that conversation plays in my head. Here, I have worked 2 1/2 years to get this degree, and someone tells me that she believe that I can't do the work.
I have problems that I am working on. Has anyone been here from the beginning, if you have you will see how my writing has improve. That is because of college, but I am not to par for the Paralegal field. My English and grammar is bad, and I can't work in that field with this handicap. I do all my writing on the computer where I could use the helpful tool of spellcheck and grammar. I am feeling like sure a failure. I will be graduating with this degree, but can't work for it.
I am looking into staying in college to finish another degree. I just don't know what to do. I will have to appeal for finical aid, but I don't know what else I want to do. I'm starting over again. I am so lost. I don't have the courage to look for work. Thank goodness, John is here to help me. He is a godsend. Thank GOD!
Anyway, Life moves on......
I am hanging in there. I just wish I knew the purpose of my life.
Will I do need to finish homework.
Till next time....
~BRIN
